Letters to Kel: BUTTONHOLES, NOT THE WHOLE DRESS

I'm editing a book that should never have been sent to me. I fear the author dictated her book into some program, like Dragon, never took the time to "train" her dictation software to understand her (and her horrid, stereotyped uneducated backwoods accent), and spoke with her mouth full.

To make matters worse, it's very clear she never bothered reading her book after it got recorded -- or else she quit school after flunking second grade a dozen times. The grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes are enough to give me headaches and pull out my hair. (I think I need a wig for Easter ...)

Bottom line: She had no right sending it to the publisher to publish, and then expect someone to fix the mangled drivel that should never have been put on the page in the first place. In the age of texting and instant messaging and email ... this alleged author can barely grasp the essentials of conversation. Forget the arrogance of writing a book and expecting people to actually read 50,000 words of reporting in excruciating detail every conversation and text message as her relationship fell apart.

Don't worry -- I don't have personal contact with the people I edit for this vanity publisher. She doesn't know I'm talking about her, and I will never reveal her name, even if you torture me. Of course, after this week , my estimate of my strength is greatly increased ...

I believe that the writing talent is a stewardship. And that means no matter how brilliant you imagine your book is, you still have a responsibility to go through it and make it the best it can be before you "release it into the world." That means even BEFORE you send it to an editor to "fix" it for you.

Several years ago on the EPIC loop, one of the authors griped about having to fix punctuation, grammar, spelling, and formatting. "Isn't that what editors are for? To fix all those things for me? Why should I waste my time?" Needless to say, he got pounded by the editors and publishers on the loop.

With the heavy load of submissions that editors in all levels of publishing receive ... if your story is equal to someone else's in terms of the suspense and characterization and details, but when the editor considers how much time she will have to invest in polishing one manuscript versus the other ... guess who she'll buy? Yep, the book that requires the least amount of work from her.

Your editor, whether the in-house editor, or someone like me who polishes up vanity press manuscripts, or helps an author polish and revise before submitting to that overworked, finicky editor, is NOT there to, in essence, write your book for you. I'm the tailor who puts on the buttons and trims the button holes and fixes the hems. I am NOT here to take whole panels out of your dress, find new material to change the look, change a neck to a sleeve, on and on. You should have your book as close to the finished product as possible before you send it to me. I'm there to clean things up, not change babydoll pajamas into an evening gown!

If you want an editor who does that kind of work, baby, it'll COST you. And you might have to put someone else's name on your book with yours. After all, they did as much work as you did. Maybe more. Because ideas are a dime a dozen, but the talent to actually write a book that people will read -- all the way to the end -- without throwing it against the wall -- that is a priceless and rare talent.

Don't write a book -- don't make a dress -- until you understand what all the tools are there for, what each type of material works best, and where it works best. And for heaven's sake, don't go out in public without making sure your dress doesn't have huge, gaping holes in it!