When pollen speaks, it sounds stupid

Can I maybe crash here tonight?Let me just take a moment to sit on your fine old couch and put my feet up, figuratively speaking of course. It’s been a great war so far, right? And you’ve done your part like a champ. But it’s not easy. It may look easy, but this crap leaves me tired. From all reports it’s working. We’ve got him nailed. Have you seen the reports? It’s like a wish list from Amazon – everything you could ever desire. All you can hope for. You got anything to drink? I like those Cactus Coolers. Don’t tell me what’s in them for God’s sake, but give me at least two of those bad boys. They’re so damn good. I like to slam the first one and then suck on the second like a babe to a nip.
This is a comfortable couch by the way. I like it when they get old and lumpy. Makes them more comfortable. When they’re new they feel like slabs of wood. That’s not a good way to relax. But this one? Man, I feel like a king on this puppy. Don’t mind my barbed body. It won’t leave a lasting impression.
Those reports. You’ve seen them, right? He can’t even blow his nose. His head feels like it’s full of cotton. Yeah yeah, I know, we thought we were getting ahead last year when we heard all that the first time. Then he got better. He outlasted us. Plain and simple. But check out page three. Hey, you got any food? I’ve got a thing for cheese sticks these days. The pepper jack ones are da bomb. What about salami? You got any of that?
No? Shoot. That’s all right.
See there? Page three lists the new stuff. He’s got muscle aches in new places every day this year. That didn’t happen last year. Our guys inside said he’s taking aspirin at night. It doesn’t do anything to help. He’s limping when he walks. He’s also got a raw throbbing in his right ear. His eyes are dried out and his lips are chafed. That’s thanks to you.
What’s that on TV? That the new Hobbit movie? That mountain of gold blows me away. You mind if I see if the game’s on? I haven’t seen much of The Suns this season. Hear they’re doing an incredible job, tearing it up this year, might even make the playoffs.
Keep it on the Bilbo thing? That’s all right.
Page five, right there, talks about how he can hardly think straight. His stomach aches all the time. He’s nearly done. That’s why I’m swinging by. I wanted to see if you could keep up the pressure for another day or two. I need to put a coat or two on his car, wiggle through the windows and get caught up in his nose hairs. Our guys on the inside are beating down those immunity punks. They don’t even know why they bother anymore. It’s practically a civil war up in there. You ever read that book about introverts? That’s you, man. You’re an introvert. I didn’t read the book, but I Googled it.
You got a call coming in? Cool. In private? Yeah, I’ll take off. Keep up the wind, brother. See ya on the flip. Keep on keeping on. We’ll get that Patrick bastard. Sorry, yeah, I’m leaving now.