Quiz: What Kind of Human Do You Have?

Humans are an unpredictable species and it’s hard to figure out how best to train and manipulate them. To make it easier for my feline readers, I’ve created a quiz that will tell you what kind of human you have — and how best to cope with her. Just answer the simple questions below, and all will be revealed!

(Note: For brevity’s sake, I have referred to humans as “she,” although yours may be a he. Either gender, this still applies.)

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What Kind of Human Do You Have?

1) How much does your human cuddle you?
Ugh. WAY too much!
Not enough. I wish she would do more of it.
My human cuddles me at all the wrong times, and never when I want it.
My human is almost a mind reader - she knows exactly when I want it.

2) What does your human do upon returning from work or a day out?
Feeds me immediately.
Crashes on the couch in exhaustion and barely notices when I join her.
Hunts me down and bothers me because I've been missed so much.
Tosses me some dinner before heading out again.

3) What does your human do when you've done something he or she disapproves of?
Gets out that dreaded spray bottle.
Immediately pulls out a camera and starts taking photos to share on Facebook.
Cleans up the mess, if any, and tries to figure out a more entertaining activity for you.
Yells at me, but doesn't actually do anything to stop me.

4) Where do you sleep at night?
Wherever I want - either on the bed with my human or on a cat bed or other favorite, cozy surface.
Wherever I want - she doesn't even notice.
I have to sleep on the bed with her; otherwise she goes looking for me.
As long as I sleep through the night and don't bother her, she doesn't care.

5) How often do you get treats, and what kind?
As often, and as much as I want! Usually the crunchy kind from the supermarket.
Not often enough! Sometimes my human runs out and it takes her forever to get more.
My human brings all sorts of treats home for me, and I get tastes of her dinner too. I don't even have to ask.
I get all sorts of my favorite treats - yes, they are healthy, but they are the kind of healthy that tastes good. Plus sometimes fresh meat. Yum!

6) What happens when you have to go to the vet?
I hide until she has to cancel. This happens a lot.
My human forcibly drags me out from under the bed, and I cry and she cries too.
She just grabs me and stuffs me in the carrier. But usually not without a few scratches.
My human leaves the carrier out all the time, and while she is no-nonsense about getting me in there for a vet visit, she sympathizes with me.

7) What kind of toys do you have?
All sorts of fun toys! Plus an awesome cat tower (or two)! Even better, my human spends lots of time playing with me with interactive toys.
I have more toys than I could ever play with in my lifetime. Unfortunately, I don't like a lot of them. But it doesn't really matter - since there are so many, I can usually find something to play with.
I have a few toys, but none of them are that thrilling. Milk rings and twist ties from the trash are more fun.
My human doesn't bring home many toys for me. I kind of have to make my own fun.

8) You have a hairball that needs to come up so you start hacking. What does your human do?
She circles around me, wringing her hands, thinking I'm going to die! She is kind of a drama queen.
She grabs me and tries to get me to throw up on some surface she deems "appropriate."
My human is more concerned with what I am throwing up. She watches me, and then she stares at the hairball before cleaning it up. It's kind of creepy, but I guess she wants to know if I'm okay.
She usually isn't around, and then she cleans it up without much comment.

9) What is your human's most annoying trait?
She is so practical, especially about things like vet visits and giving me meds.
Sometimes I think she really doesn't get me.
She is so needy.
She can be thoughtless sometimes.

10) How is your human with the litter box?
Meh. She complains about it, but she changes it regularly.
Is it possible to change the litter too often? 'Cause it seems like she is always messing with it.
Ugh! She uses that awful scented stuff. She is always trying to figure out how to make it smell less bad - to her.
She is actually pretty good about keeping my litter well scooped and is on a decent litter changing schedule.

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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!