I keep making the same mistakes

I write well. My sentence structure is good; my spelling and grammar is too. I have great ideas and can plot a book from the beginning or write from the seat of my pants (my preferred style) and still have a good story. My writing has improved over the years. I've got better at presenting the world in my head so readers see the same thing I do.

But there are some thing I can't get right. I make the same mistakes over and over again and it doesn't seem to matter what I think about or do during the writing, I still have to have them pointed out to me and then go back and layer it all in. I know I need to do it. I can see how it adds depth to the story and believability to the characters, and I think I'm doing it when I'm writing it.

Number one problem is emotion. I know why I keep glossing over this one. I don't like being in the middle of the maelstrom. I've been there in my life before and it's not a pretty place. I much prefer things calm and considered. Under control--as much as life can be. I like to skate through my life doing happy things, things that make me smile and say 'life is wonderful'. I choose things specifically to achieve that end.

But while that makes for a lovely, enjoyable life, it doesn't make a good story. To make a good story, I have to revisit every negative emotion I've ever experienced. I have to relive dissatisfaction, envy, jealously, uncertainty, anger, angst, longing, horror, fear. And then I have to, not describe it, but make my character live it too. I have to delve deep into the raw physical responses to the emotions and live through them again and again. It's hard, and every time, every single time, I avoid it as long as I can.

Thank goodness for my crit group who turn to me after reading my chapter and look at me with that odd mix of pride, anticipation and disappointment. They shake their heads at me and I can hear their thoughts in that place deep inside that spurs me to be a better person. "You can do better." They know it. I know it. And they're going to kick my butt until I do it.

You'd think I'd give up if the only feedback I ever heard was 'not good enough', but that's not all I hear. On the end of that phrase is 'yet'. It's not good enough yet. It can be. It will be. If I work hard enough. I can control it.

And every once in a while, I'll present a rough first draft of a new story, and the room will fall to silence. Then, when the silence is thick with wanting, someone will sigh, or laugh, or exclaim 'oh no'. And at the end of the reading time, they'll all sit back and say nothing. They'll look at me and breathe through the transition from fantasy to reality, and I'll know. I can do this.

Then they'll tell me how to make it better.

*sigh* It's a good thing I love writing.