The Pull to Keep Working

I am in a really weird place right now.

I have tried to step away from this author gig, push the constant irritation of reviews out of the way, and get my head wrapped around real life. I have put myself into a standard office job using the non-artistic side of my brain. I have banned myself from working on anything. I have banned myself from reading anything I have written.

I am going crazy.

This is what I have sitting in my computer at this very minute--

Two books for a fantasy series.They each need one more self-edit before they go into the grind of getting ready for publishing. In other words, they are nearly there.Two books in a full length paranormal series (not Darkness). I only have the first drafts. I need to read through again, heavily change, before re-shelving. It has a long way to go, but the story is calling me. Both the male and female characters ask that I come back and jump into the world with them.One contemporary romance stand aloneI have the first draft done. I had a hard time stepping away after I finished it. I wanted to immediately go back and read all over.One contemporary romance stand alone as a continuation of the Growing Pains Series.I just finished this one, and kind of want to tweak the ending. I am okay to let this one sit for a second, though. I pushed really hard to get it finished before I went back to work.Two Darkness novellas, both longer than previous novellas.These also only have a first draft. I have eight things written, and sitting in my computer. Eight books. Eight.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have another idea rolling around for a dystopian series. I'm still constructing that world in my head, though, so it is a long way off, but I am moving in. I am starting to live there--starting to write down bits that will eventually go into a book.

In addition, I might add on to that Fantasy. I ended it abruptly. It would do with a book about one of the characters and the continuing war. The full scale paranormal romance is a continuing series. That will need a few more books. I already have ideas for continuing Darkness.

I mean, this is getting ridiculous. I don't have writers block, obviously. If I did, I wouldn't just keep pumping out stories so they weren't sitting in my head. Maybe I would finish one or two before I added to the growing pile.

I'm shaking my head at myself.

So yeah, I took a break from the world of writing because Darkness is taking a lot out of me. I wanted to go back to pre-writing. To the time when I was bored in the evenings. When I read a book a week or more. I wanted to push away anything writing-wise and go back to the office grind.

But two things are messing with me.
One--I don't need that office job. I am making a salary at writing. It nearly kills me when I try to juggle the two jobs. So I get pulled by the second thing--that list. That huge list. I want to start working on that fantasy right now. I want to open the word doc and start reading. Start changing. Smile in greeting at the characters. But I can't, because it will consume my life until it's finished. I won't be able to stop once I start. I won't want to read anything else.

I feel like Sasha when Stefan is around--that pulling in the center of my chest. In this situation, that pulling is not a person, it is a computer with my means to escape stored within its depths. I am in a really weird half-life right now.

Here's another stick for the fire--that temp job I took? They are hoping to keep me until they get approval to hire, and then are thinking I can just slip right in. They are thinking along the lines of permanent. And eventually, yes, that is best, because I don't know how long I will stay at this writing gig. But right now??

My eyes scan back up to that huge list. I just have so much work to do...