Surprisingly Dangerous Things about Being a Novelist

Most of the time, I love being a fiction writer. It’s something I have been passionate about my whole life, and as a bonus, it can be done while wearing pajamas and eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches in bed. For all its glamor, though, fiction writing is a risky business. Not spy risky, or deep-sea fisherman risky or anything, but still.

For one thing, I’ve read that something like 77% of accidental injuries occur in or near the home. Holy crap, I’m at home right now! Better get to the coffee shop.

Here are some other risks that come with the trade:

Apparently, not everyone appreciates it when you eavesdrop on their conversations to get ideas for characters and plot development. I especially don’t recommend it in biker bars or sorority parties. Or country clubs, especially if you’re not a member or guest. They really do have the juiciest gossip in there, though.
Good writers have to go where the story takes them, even if it means scaling the fence of the country club. Scrapes and sprains from climbing fences and dodging security are just part of the deal.
Writers are constantly in danger of flagging government watchlists for our questionable internet searches: for example, how to get blood out of various fabrics; where to buy a wide range of murder weapons, drug paraphernalia and sex toys. I personally Googled “Human Trafficking” and “Disneyworld Vacation” within a span of minutes just the other day. And since Disney tracks us all better than the FBI, I look forward to law enforcement meeting my family at the gates of the Magic Kingdom this summer. My kids will think that’s as cool as Mickey.
Living in your own little fictional world means you often aren’t always fully engaged in the actual world. I’ve had many a close call in traffic while trying to bring hero and heroine together in my head. (So worth it, btw.) And I’m not saying how I know this, but you really shouldn’t try to make notes for a story while on the treadmill.
Bears.
Like professional athletes, writers are prone to the many pitfalls of instantaneous fame and fortune. We’re often handed huge publishing contracts right out of college or even high school, and the money really goes to our head. It seems every week there’s a novelist’s multimillion dollar mansion on the auction block, or a poet laureate shooting a stripper’s boyfriend outside a club. It’s a shame.
All friendships are at risk when, anytime someone confides their deepest and most painful secrets in you, there’s a tiny little part of your brain thinking, “how can I use this in my work in progress?”
Carpal tunnel. It’s real, people.
Come to think of it, I don’t know how any writer manages to hold a marriage or other significant relationship together. Next to dictators, fiction writers are the most self-absorbed, capricious, emotionally leeching creatures on earth. We get lost in our own little worlds, neglect the housework, bring the laptop to bed, and send the kids to school in wrinkled clothes holding patched-together lunches. We pick fights when we have writers’ block to make ourselves feel better, and suck the energy and ideas of those around us so that we can transform them into our own art (or that might be just me). I’m not sure what special brand of insanity keeps Hubs around (and patient and supportive to boot) but I am so grateful it does.
Every writer is addicted to something. Even setting aside famous authorial liquor binges and illicit substances, I think we have a collective problem with nutrition. Read through a few writers’ profiles on Twitter or Facebook, you will quickly see that they read like a recipe for tasty, legal self-medication. We love wine, chocolate, and coffee. If that’s not available, we’ll take coffee, chocolate and wine instead. Occasionally a thriller writer will profess a love of cigars and craft beer. It’s not cool to say you’re addicted to raw vegetables, but I’m starting to think we’d be better off if it were. Or…. alternate suggestion: could it be that chocolate, coffee and wine are a lynchpin for literary civilization, holding it all together? Hmmm. We’d better hang onto them just in case.

So there you have it. Ten ways your fiction writer friends are laying it on the line for your reading pleasure, every day. Our fingers are tired and we might need rehab, but we’re just happy you’re happy.

And you can help, of course. Buy a book, share a book, review a book. Send us wine, coffee and chocolate (I can have wine and chocolate again in 176 days, but who’s counting?) . Or you could contribute to this fund, which supports writers and photographers who really do put their lives and freedom at risk every day to bring us news stories from around the world.

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I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. When I’m not falling off the treadmill or running from bears, I blog about writing, publishing, parenthood, life and the many lessons I’ve learned the hard way.

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My current roster of books includes The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels. You can find them for all eBook formats and in paperback here.

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