Anger & Worry

Silent All These Years Review of Noah (2014)

Anger & Worry

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger within me lately. Having relived some of the abuse I’ve suffered in my marriage through words received, I lashed out. I don’t like feeling that way. I want to be over it. But I am worried about my daughter and what ‘could’ happen to her. I am too far away and I am frustrated. I am hitting brick walls every time I turn around. Even well intended requests are twisted and turned to make me appear as if I am doing something wrong. I am a peaceful person, I have always wanted peace in my life, frequently sought and so little obtained. If I could only see my daughter, hug her, speak to her, I would know that she is okay. She has changed and I do not know if it is the distance, my anxiety about her father, or that she has grown up without me these last six years. I just feel alienated from her, I feel shut out. It seems she isn’t excited by the things she used to love, like writing, reading, drawing. Why can’t he understand my only concern is for her? He is more upset that it seems like I don’t ‘trust’ him than anything. In the years I was living in the same county, I never saw any bruises on her when she came home from his house or once she went to live with him. But there were things that disturbed me and I did take her to see a social worker once. I need to be sure. The teen years form who a person ultimately becomes. If there is something going on, or was, it’s better dealt with now. I know this first hand. I got therapy in my teens after an abusive family life growing up. My sister did not. She is dead, she died at age 41 of a drug overdose after trying to commit suicide 3 times in her life before. They said this last time was an accident, but we still don’t know because they didn’t find her for days afterwards. I somehow made it, I still had a messed up life but I pulled myself out of the wreckage time and again; I am a survivor. I still go to therapy. Talking about it can never hurt, in spite of what people fear about labeling and ‘what good is it going to do to talk to a stranger?’ What they do is help you better understand why you do the things you do, particularly when what you’re doing is either hurting yourself (ie self destructive behavior such as addiction and getting into abusive relationships) or hurting others (abusing your wife, kids, partner, mother, grandparent, brother, sister, etc). By understanding why you do something, you can then work towards finding healthier outlets for stress (such as a walk instead of a cigarette, or painting a picture), and accept the need for further work such as anger management.

Thanks for reading. Aloha! :-)