The Three Little Words Everyone Wants to Hear

I used to think the most important words in the English language were I love you. I used to think there was nothing braver than I’m sorry. And the most generous? I forgive you takes the cake on this one.

A few years ago I became a certified doula, which is basically just a birth attendant. I didn’t have any medical authority to deliver a baby, but my presence was crucial in ensuring every delivery included a happy ending. I told my clients I would be with them through the entire process, from the first contraction to the last. It was immensely satisfying work because my shear presence brought peace during some of the most challenging and terrifying moments in a young woman’s life. In the delivery room, I was not only a voice of reason, but also a helping hand. I provided sympathy and comfort, assurance and support. I did what I did best and left all the complicated medical stuff to the highly skilled professionals.

My philosophy was simple: I’m with you.

Like a woman in labor, we all struggle. Some of us must overcome a painful past. Others must navigate a complicated present. But all of us desire a meaningful future. Americans value inner strength, but our connectedness is what helps us go further faster. Over the past few years I’ve been honored to know a lot of people experiencing tough times–parents with kids in foster care, moms loving little ones back to health through cancer in children’s hospitals, and families without a home of their own finding their way in temporary housing. These are hard things, and going it alone just doesn’t make sense. Standing on the outside of such events, it’s easy to feel judgmental, harder to express compassion. In a church that preaches love your neighbor as yourself, we do a pretty crappy job of actually showing it.

Last week, I participated in a Bible Study with some girls from my neighborhood. We’re in the middle of a book study by John Ortberg called Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them. In it, Ortberg asserts that people are most scandalized by sins of the flesh whereas Jesus was most scandalized by sins of the spirit. I find myself shuddering when I hear my friends talk about the people they know who are gay, or who drink, or God-forbid have been divorced and remarried. My own arrogance and pride, though hidden, is worse than the “Don’t drink, smoke, or chew or go with boys that do” mantra of my childhood.

And so I am humbled by Jesus’ actions. His name, Immanuel, literally means God With Us. How cool is that?

In my work as a doula, the best births were the ones in which I had developed a personal relationship with the family. The more I sought to understand their wishes and needs, the better equipped I was to share sacred time with them in the delivery room. So many things could contribute to a successful birth–prenatal care, sexual history, and physical health. But the one thing that affected positive outcomes the most was also the simplest: having someone in the room who was willing to be their advocate.

And so it dawned on me: There’s nothing that has the potential to move people closer to their heavenly father than I’m with you.

How many times of you heard a Christian say, “I love you, but I don’t approve of your behavior.”

“I’m sorry, but I felt like I had no choice but to . . .”

“God will forgive you, but . . .”

You can’t say I’m with you with a caveat. With you means what with you says.

It means, “I’ll be with you while God works in you to move you into growing relationship with Jesus Christ.”

“Yes,” my friend says, “but isn’t it our responsibility to tell people that they’re sinning? How else will they know?”

I’m going to be okay living in the tension of those words. In the delivery room, was it my responsibility to tell parents I thought they were headed for a C-section? Was it my job to give the okay to start pushing? I didn’t have the medical authority to do those things. That was the doctor’s job. Just being with my clients encouraged them to do their best. Many times, I had to honestly admit I didn’t have all the answers. In life, too, I don’t have to have an answer for every question.

I want to be about relationships, not rules. I want to be about encouragement, not entitlement. I want to be the one who is with them. And whether a friend births a baby or a relationship  with Christ,

I’m with you.

Three words everyone wants to hear: I'm with you. @chanlynnadams @Grit_Grace
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