April 4 2014. UNIVERSITY CHALLENGED.
I switched the TV over to BBC2. The Trouble and I settled back to watch University Challenge. I’m good at history, the sciences, art, anything to do with the periodic table, classical music, astronomy and microbiology. The Trouble is good at knitting. I generally get more questions right.
I jest of course. Actually I don’t know what subjects The Trouble is good at, apart from shopping. In fact she only half watches the programme, if she watches it at all, and only then because she thinks Jeremy Paxman is ‘dishy’: for me University Challenge is the opportunity to test my general knowledge against the best young brains currently studying at the country’s top seats of learning; for The Trouble it is the thirty minute interlude between the first part of Coronation Street and the second part of Coronation Street. To each his own.
I usually get about six questions right. Ten on a good night, three or four on a bad. But good night or bad night I always get more right than the contestant at the end farthest away from the captain, who nine times out of ten answers about as many questions as the team’s mascot. (For my money most of them are only there because they’re sleeping with the team’s captain.)
The Trouble doesn’t get any questions right, partly because questions on knitting or shopping rarely crop up, but chiefly because, unlike me, although she might know the answer she doesn’t call it out. Or so she claims. But, come on, anyone can say that can’t they. Anyway, whatever the reason – and notwithstanding the female University Challenge contestants who are not sat on the seat farthest from the captain, who are exceptions to the rule – it is my weekly opportunity to demonstrate man’s superior intelligence.
Tonight my opportunity was doubled when The Trouble and I were joined by Alice Harkness, one of The Trouble’s friends, who I know only vaguely. The story was that Alice’s television set had gone on the blink and, as she couldn’t bear missing Coronation Street, The Trouble had invited her to watch it on our set. I didn’t mind just so long as our visitor didn’t treat the gap between the two episodes of Coronation Street as an opportunity to have a natter with The Trouble and spoil my enjoyment of University Challenge. However when it started The Trouble left the room to make us all a cup of tea.
Jeremy Paxman asked the first starter for ten, something about an Antarctic treaty. I didn’t know the answer. The first set of bonuses was on economists.
“Essay on Population is an influential work by which political economist, born in Surrey in 1766?” asked Paxman.
“Malthus,” said one of the contestants.
“Correct,” said Paxman.
I didn’t know.
“Malthus’s views on population increase were used as a justification for the harshness of the reforms of 1834 to which law?”
“The Poor Law,” said Alice Harkness.
“The Corn Laws,” said one of the contestants.
“No it was the Poor Law,” said Paxman.
I shot a look at Alice Harkness. She gave me a sweet smile. I can’t remember what the third question on economics was but I didn’t know the answer. But neither did Alice Harkness.
“Ten points for this next starter,” continued Paxman. “A Danish play withdrawn two months before it was due to open in Copenhagen in January 2013 and a painting by the South African artist Marlene Dumas both have as their subject which British singer who died aged 27 in 2011?”
“Amy Winehouse,” said Alice Harkness.
“Amy Winehouse,” said one of the contestants.
“Correct,” said Jeremy Paxman.
“Do you mind if I switch it over?” I said to Alice Harkness. “There’s something I want to watch on one of the other channels? I’ll switch it back for Coronation Street in good time.”
Alice gave me the same sweet smile. “Not at all.”
A moment or two later The Trouble returned with the teas. “Oh, you’ve switched over.”
I could have choked the pair of them.
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