Michael Bay pitches a Superman reboot
MB: Gentlemen, after my work with the Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchises, I’m ready to turn my brilliant vision toward rebooting another superhero franchise, Superman. Now, I know they just rebooted him with Henry Cavill, but that didn’t review well, and I know why. You see, people are burnt out on origins stories with aliens. Trust me, I know this, because people hated the last three Transformers movies because they’re aliens, and fans reacted with outrage when I wanted to make the ninja turtles into aliens, too. So, clearly, the next Man of Steel cannot be an alien.
That’s why, in this reboot, instead of being an alien from Krypton landing on Earth as a baby, my Man of Steel will be an out of work steel factory worker played by Ryan Reynolds who falls into a vat of molten radioactive upsidasium. The experimental metal is what allows him to fly, and it’s also what makes him invulnerable. Also, instead of having laser vision, his eyes will stream liquid molten metal. It’s almost the same power, but even more gruesome. The special effects crew will have a field day with it.
Obviously, this means we need a new villain worthy of this new Man of Steel, but audiences are tired of Lex Luthor. This is why I propose a reboot of his role to a female counterpart, an Asian martial arts master named Lei Liu-Xan, who has a vendetta againt the Man of Steel because he gave her radiation poisoning during a booty call and made all her hair fall out. Obviously, we’ll cast this role with Jennifer Lawrence.
This setup gives us everything for a great reboot. It’s got sexual tension, romantic conflict to keep the female audience sitting through to the credits, and a ton of fight scenes for the guys we’re really marketing towards. At the end of the movie, The Man of Steel and Lei Liu-Xan devastate half of Metropolis in a huge final brawl before realizing they still love each other and have a final kiss. Lei Liu-Xan explodes from overexposure to the Man of Steel’s radiation, destroying the rest of Metropolis. The Man of Steel flies away from Earth in guilt, setting us up for his *finger quotes* alien return in a sequel slated for 2017.
So, what do you think?
Head Studio Exec: … I smell a blockbuster!
Internet reaction to first announcement: OH FER FUCK’S SAKE, MICHAEL BAY, STOP DESTROYING OUR CHILDHOOD.
Same people on opening day: Well, I’ll still go see it, just to see if it’s any good.
Me: *Commits seppuku*
