Social Anxiety or You Can't Escape Your Chilhood

I disappointed myself tonight. A Facebook friend invited me to come and have dinner with some like-minded folk to discuss books and M/M. I looked forward to it all week.
We were to meet at a hibachi bistro in a nearby town. I got there ten minutes early. The restaurant was busy. As I waited for my friend (who I have never seen) two large groups of loud men gathered on the sidewalk near me.

The world shrank to the size of a pea, and I fled. This has not happened to me in so long that I believed my days of panicking around loud men like a kicked dog were over. I'm a freaking trial lawyer. I was a college professor with tenure before I went to law school. Both of these jobs strain my ability to be in public to the utmost.

As an introvert, raised by a paranoid schizophrenic mother I have prided myself on my ability to overcome my fear and put on a mask of confidence. I had all but forgotten the feel of panic.

What went wrong? I think I have steadily withdrawn from being in public over the past five years. I rarely have to go to court these days and when I do I know all the other lawyers and the judge. I have worked with the same core people for the last eight years. Texting and email allow me to avoid the phone. Self checkout at the grocery allows me to avoid even that minimal human contact. It has been years since I sought to meet new people.

So I publicly apologize to my friend. I need to start being more aware of how much I avoid others and try to get back I to the human race.