How I Stopped Obsessing And Got My Life Back

I used to have the hardest time making decisions.

Whether I was making a big decision or a small one—like where to go for college, or where to go to lunch—I would go back and forth for hours sometimes, weighing pros and cons and trying to figure out which was the best one. Sometimes I would waffle back and forth for so long I would miss my window to make the choice altogether.

Photo Credit: Hayden Petrie, Creative Commons

I’ll never forget one night when I was trying to decided, along with my husband, what movie to watch. It took me so long to decide, we actually missed all the movies.

This was one major consequence of my indecisiveness—missing out.

The other consequence, obviously, was the incredible waste of time this could be. I can remember times I would stand in the grocery store for ten minutes, trying to decide if we needed pickles or not. I could’t remember if we had them at home, and even if we did have them, which brand should I buy? Was it worth it to buy the more expensive one? Would I like this brand? Would my husband like them?

It seemed I was paralyzed by my inability to make a decision.

In addition to the loss of time, and my tendency to miss out on something great, another consequence of this problem was that I would often defer my decisions to other people.

If we were trying to decide where to go get lunch, I would go where everybody else wanted to go. If I was trying to decide where to go to college, I would go where my friends wanted to go. If I was trying to decide if I should buy a new pair of jeans, I would defer the decision to my husband.

This might not sound that terrible, but what I was really doing by deferring all of my important decisions was deferring my identity.

Before I knew it, I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted.

Mostly, the paralysis came from the fear of making the “wrong” decision. Obviously, when it comes to many decisions, like choosing a movie, the “right” and “wrong” choice isn’t exactly black and white, but no matter the size of the decision, I think I was afraid of feeling regret after the fact. I was afraid of realizing later: I should have gone the other way. I put so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out.

Recently I’ve discovered a release from this pressure.

I was listening to an author speak, and she was talking about how people often obsess over their decisions, wondering which way is the “right” way and which way was the “wrong” way. You could tell she felt empathy for this obsession—as if she knew how trapped these people felt—but her words also came with an air of “will you get over this already?”

“You know how you make the right decision?” she asked. “You ask yourself why you are making the decision.”

When the why behind your decisions is right, the same end can be reached with two different paths.

Immediately, that idea resonated with me. My husband always talks about the invisible motives that are driving our decisions, and how important and powerful these motives are. Since he first brought up the idea several years ago, I’ve noticed that there are often unconscious motives (like fear or jealousy) driving my actions and decisions.

When I become aware of these motives, I regain control in areas where I thought I had lost it.

So when the author said this, I knew it sounded right. For me, this meant I could stop—literally stop right now—obsessing over my decisions. My motives were more important than my decisions. So even a bad decision, if it helped me uncover twisted motives, could be used for my benefit.

For me, this took all the pressure off.

While before it felt like life was a maze—where a “right” turn would point me toward the exit, and the “wrong” turn would keep me stuck in the maze forever—now I could see that it was so much more nuanced than that. The choice I made about pickles, or new shirts, or even college weren’t going to make or break my life. Each circumstance was an opportunity for me to check and adjust my motives.

Each circumstance was an opportunity to exercise my character.

Was I making this decision with good motives, or with bad ones?

Was I being selfish, or selfless?

Was I being loving, or fearful?

Every now and then I still catch myself tempted to obsess over choices.

But as soon as I do, I remind myself: The direction you choose to go (this movie or that movie) doesn’t matter nearly as much as your character does. And with that in mind, it actually makes choosing pretty easy.

After all, no matter which way I turn, my character is taking shape.

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