What Do You Want? Really.
I'm probably not very different from a lot of you. I'm very happily married (20 years) to the love of my life. He asked me on our second date--yes, you read that correctly--what kind of wedding I wanted? At the time, I'd more or less reconciled myself to remaining single. You see, I'd proven myself to have such deplorable judgment when it came to men that I didn't really trust myself to choose a good husband. Yes, they were truly that bad. Just ask my family.
Anyway, 20 years later, I'm happily married. I have single friends, however. The single women I know tell me there are no good men out there. Hearing some of their 'war stories', I'm almost inclined to agree. Mama's boys, commitment-phobes, playboys, boys with baggage, boys who aren't over their ex-girlfriends ... the list goes on. And the emphasis on the word boy is intentional.
On the off-chance that there are some gentlemen reading this, don't get defensive. I've heard just as many negative things about the women out there. Gold-diggers, militant feminists, women who want the bad boy, just plain crazy girls... and that list goes on, as well.
And you know what? Both the women and the men are right. There are a lot of men out there lugging an incredible amount of baggage. And there are a number of women out there who are dragging their own luggage behind them.
So I truly want an answer to my question, the title of this blog. What do you want? Really.
You see, I've watched single friends meet members of the opposite sex and think, This is the one! Things go nicely, and everyone watching thinks the same thing. We wait for news, watch for a certain sparkle on a girl's hand ... only to see the sure thing fall apart for no apparent reason.
So when two people who seem to work on paper don't work at all, what happened? Women say they want a man to love and respect them. I know single men who would fit that bill quite nicely. Single men say they want ... well, pretty much the same thing. If that's all anyone wants, why are there so many unhappy singles? Why is one of my friends, a wonderful young woman, smart, funny, loving, unable to find a normal man? Why is a young man I know, kind, loving, a young man who makes me laugh every time we talk, unable to find a woman?
I realize there are other factors. There has to be chemistry, or whatever that undefinable quality is that we all have with our significant others. But if you were to make a list of the characteristics you're seeking in a mate, other than love and respect, what would you list?
Humor me. I'm just curious.
Anyway, 20 years later, I'm happily married. I have single friends, however. The single women I know tell me there are no good men out there. Hearing some of their 'war stories', I'm almost inclined to agree. Mama's boys, commitment-phobes, playboys, boys with baggage, boys who aren't over their ex-girlfriends ... the list goes on. And the emphasis on the word boy is intentional.
On the off-chance that there are some gentlemen reading this, don't get defensive. I've heard just as many negative things about the women out there. Gold-diggers, militant feminists, women who want the bad boy, just plain crazy girls... and that list goes on, as well.
And you know what? Both the women and the men are right. There are a lot of men out there lugging an incredible amount of baggage. And there are a number of women out there who are dragging their own luggage behind them.
So I truly want an answer to my question, the title of this blog. What do you want? Really.
You see, I've watched single friends meet members of the opposite sex and think, This is the one! Things go nicely, and everyone watching thinks the same thing. We wait for news, watch for a certain sparkle on a girl's hand ... only to see the sure thing fall apart for no apparent reason.
So when two people who seem to work on paper don't work at all, what happened? Women say they want a man to love and respect them. I know single men who would fit that bill quite nicely. Single men say they want ... well, pretty much the same thing. If that's all anyone wants, why are there so many unhappy singles? Why is one of my friends, a wonderful young woman, smart, funny, loving, unable to find a normal man? Why is a young man I know, kind, loving, a young man who makes me laugh every time we talk, unable to find a woman?
I realize there are other factors. There has to be chemistry, or whatever that undefinable quality is that we all have with our significant others. But if you were to make a list of the characteristics you're seeking in a mate, other than love and respect, what would you list?
Humor me. I'm just curious.
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message 1:
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Crystal
(new)
Mar 18, 2014 05:41AM
For me, Joe and i have been together for 7 or 8 years, but. Before that, we became best friends. Such good friends we questioned wether or not we should possibly ruin that by looking for more So my perfect mate is my best friend, we think exactly the same and often finish each others sentences. And when we are together ,we always go to bed together, not hours apart. For years, people assumed we were one because we were rararely apart.
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Crystal wrote: "For me, Joe and i have been together for 7 or 8 years, but. Before that, we became best friends. Such good friends we questioned wether or not we should possibly ruin that by looking for more So ..."Very nice, Crystal. I love this.
Aside from love and respect? Hmm...- Compassion
I come across so many people who lack this for their fellow man. I'm not saying let your compassion override your common sense, but having this in you and not being afraid to show it makes you more personable, more approachable, and ultimately more loveable.
- Sense of humor
You define this because it varies from one person to the next. Sarcasm might be humorous to some, but not to others. The same with slapstick funny or outright silly. But I think it's important to be able to laugh at something, even yourself. It lightens the mood, puts things in perspective, and gives the other person a reason to smile.
- Ability to forgive
This is often a huge thing, especially for couples just beginning out. Admitting you are or have done wrong is one thing, but forgiving is another. Unwillingness to forgive leads to bitterness, which gives birth to contempt, which can wreak havoc on any relationship because it's always there. You have "something" to hang over your partner's head, to guilt them with the next time they do you wrong. But it doesn't bring about any sort of satisfaction with it. Just heartache, hurt, distance, loss of trust, and, sometimes, the loss of the relationship altogether.
- Trustworthy
Another big, and obvious, one. Trust takes time, which requires time together. I mean, how do you expect to know anything about anyone unless you spend time with them? You'll never know if the other person is trustworthy if either of you are unwilling to take that first step and trust them with something else first before you trust them with your heart.
- Unconditional acceptance
To me, this was extremely important when I met my husband. I'm not proud of my past but it's a part of who I am. I don't run from it, hide from it, try to deny it, or anything like that. It's helped make me a stronger woman, helped me realize my potential, and for that I'm grateful that my past was not perfect.
Being able to accept each other for who they completely are is such a beautiful thing to see. There's something to be said about the person who opens up about themselves. But there's something awe inspiring about the other person listening, accepting, maybe even forgiving, and then helping them see their past has no place in the relationship they're trying to build.
It's better it's out in the open than to walk around holding hands pretending it's not there.
Miriam wrote: "Aside from love and respect? Hmm...- Compassion
I come across so many people who lack this for their fellow man. I'm not saying let your compassion override your common sense, but having this in ..."
Beautifully said, Miriam.
WOW! John and I knew each other as friends for 7 years, (yes, 7) before we dated. He had wanted to date me sooner, but saying the timing wasn't right is the easiest way to answer that, for now. We met through church. We were both in the same Sunday School department, and in choir together. By the time John DID ask me out on a date, I was pretty certain God told me that John was "the one". Why? Because I knew that at our 2 year mark (roughly), and at our 4 or 5 year mark as friends, John has asked my sister if she thought I would consider dating him. I was smart enough to know a man doesn't STAY attracted to a woman for 5 years, and it mean nothing.
Like Crystal's husband, when John finally asked, he was VERY concerned about "what if this goes South? I will lose my best friend." John decided to take the chance, because he felt NOT dating me was not an option. God turned off my "Radar" during the first date, so I couldn't tell how it went. Usually, I KNEW after a first date, how things went, and if there was any hope/want/need of a second date. Friends told me the radar was off for a reason...John needed to know we were permanent, first! Looking back, I totally agree.
Now...to answer your actual question...I had prayed that I would not be affected by the ooey gooey part of love, so I could make a conscious "decision" as to whom I married. I had seen way too many marriages fall apart when they married mid "goo".
John was my best friend...still is, he makes me laugh, he's smart, never uses humor at my expense, is patient, kind, forgiving, slow to react (as in no knee jerk reactions), and he's really cute. LOL
Concerning the humor, it's more than being funny, or a willingness to laugh. I had to find someone who understood MY sense of humor, and I had to understand his. Both of us are sarcastic, but never in ways that are hurtful to each other. John and I like to laugh, play, go to amusement parks...be big kids!
What I like most about John is his love of God, his respect for others, and his ability to get along with my crazy family. He's often better at getting along with my family than me. (oops!) John knows how to lead. He makes me feel secure. Thos are also big things to me.
One last bonus...He COOKS!!!! I hate cooking!!! John actually likes it. He also likes dining out. (big grin)
