Ask the Author - with Douglas Hackle

As promised, here is my Ask the Author interview reposted from the Facebook Bizarro Fiction group for all you Facebook haterz....

Ask the Author with Douglas Hackle - March 2014

Douglas Hackle, thank you for agreeing to be this month’s Ask the Author. Firstly, could you tell us a little about yourself before we get started…

I was born with one extra finger and two extra toes (yeah, for real—it’s called polydactylism.) I live outside of Cleveland, Ohio with my wife and seven-year-old son. After graduating from college many moons ago with a B.A. in English Literature, I obtained a writing-related cubicle job where I am tasked to produce a certain manner of business-related copy. I’ve been there ever since. My life is boring and often tedious. I credit boredom and tedium as being the extremely combustible fuels that allow me to write the kind of stories I write. My first published book, Clown Tear Junkies, is a collection of my absurdist/bizarro short stories.

The book questions

Clown Tear Junkies was the shit. Any chance of a future collection of similarly demented work?

Thanks. Yes, absolutely. At present I’m working on my first novella. For months I struggled even to begin writing the damn thing. I broke my writer’s block just a few weeks ago. I now have a prologue, five chapters, and a rough outline. But, yes, given the opportunity, I could sit around all day long eating bonbons while writing batshit insane short stories and flash fiction. So in other words, yes, expect more short fiction collections from me in the future.

How did you land on the title Clown Tear Junkies?

When my publisher and I were brainstorming for a title, he suggested including a reference to “clown tears” because several of the stories in the collection mention clown tears. Within these stories, clown tears function as a potent, addictive psychotropic substance that is often used to lace other street drugs. But aside from sharing that quirky detail, the stories are not connected. Anyhow, after tossing around a number of titles containing “clown tears”—Bottled Clown Tears and Clown Tear Junkies Anonymous were both contenders there for a minute—we agreed on Clown Tear Junkies. The rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.

How long did it take to write Clown Tear Junkies and where did the idea come from?

Hard to say exactly, because I didn’t write all the stories back to back knowing they would be anthologized eventually, and some of the stories were originally published elsewhere. Also, at one point I revised my “finished draft,” removing a few of the stories that didn’t fit that well stylistically with the rest and replacing them with new stories. I’ll guestimate that the whole thing took about seven or eight months to write.

As for the second part of the question, I assume you’re referring to the clown tears idea. I think I first wrote about clown tears used as an addictive street drug either in “The Scream, My Dog” or “The Perfect Popcorn: A Recipe (Or Confessions of a Lady-in-Waiting),” both of which are included in Clown Tear Junkies. I don’t recall exactly how or when the idea came to me. Regardless, I think the idea of clown tears figures as an appropriate symbol for the overall spirit of the book, as most of these stories mix and mash the absurdly tragic with the absurdly comical. Tears–be they shed by a clown or anyone else—can be tears of sadness or tears of joy.

Have you ever used anything other than a computer to write (stories)?

Yes. Notebooks, legal pads, loose printer paper, etc. Any writing I do on my lunch breaks at work is done longhand on paper. Once while riding in a car as a passenger, I scribbled out part of a story on a pad of Post-it notes for lack of anything else to write on.

Who took the photo of Clown Tear Junkies and did you do multiple shots?

Amy Seymour is the photographer who took that photo. My publisher, Etienne DeForest, dressed up as a clown, jumped in that pool, and nearly drowned for the cause. Yes, they took multiple shots in the pool. Etienne, Art Graham (EIC at Rooster Republic Press), and I all agreed it was the best shot.

Who are the writers that made you who you are today?

There are many, but here are a few: Shel Silverstein, Dr. Seuss, Jorge Luis Borges, Franz Kafka, Edgar Allen Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, Clive Barker, Stephen King, Ernest Hemingway, and Herman Melville.

When did you know you were a writer?

I wrote, illustrated, and bound (with staples) my own books when I was a kid, and I did my first horrible imitations of Poe and Lovecraft when I was in middle school. (Those Poe and Lovecraft apings were so bad that someone should kill me for writing them—seriously.) But I don’t think I considered myself a “writer” per se until I participated in a fiction workshop in college. After doing writing exercises for the first few weeks, each of us was assigned to write a short story for critique by the group. My story was one of the last stories to be discussed. During the discussion, this one girl gushed about the story, said it was the first instance of “real writing” to occur in our workshop of about a fifteen students. That girl was a complete idiot, and that story sucked a big, fat, blue dick. It was an abysmal imitation of Kafka, so bad that I truly deserve to die for writing it. But that’s not the point. The point is that the girl’s praise made me feel really good. I guess it was around this time I began to consider myself a writer. (And I totally should have tried to nail that girl, but I was painfully shy back then. I didn’t get over my shyness until my mid-twenties.)

If you were hired to write a novel-length spinoff for the Indiana Jones franchise, what would your pitch be (elevator pitch or extended pitch)? How many characters would you have Shia Lebeouf play?

The Golden Idol from the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark becomes sentient and wields great telekinetic powers. It decapitates Short Round, lodges itself atop Short Round’s neck stump, effectively becoming Short Round’s new head. This Golden-Idol-With-Short-Round’s-Body ends up fighting Daniel-son from The Karate Kid in a karate tournament. In the last round of the tourney, Daniel-son attempts to take out the Golden-Idol-With-Short-Round’s-Body using the crane kick with which he so famously took out Johnny, but the kick fails this time. Daniel-son’s foot breaks in half when it connects with the hard, metallic head. Golden-Idol-With-Short-Round’s-Body wins the competition, thereby avenging Johnny’s defeat. Golden-Idol-With-Short-Round’s-Body and Johnny himself celebrate the victory by taking turns whipping Shia Lebeouf in the face with Indiana Jones’s whip, eventually flaying Shia’s face off and leaving nothing behind but a screaming, steaming, bloody skull that kinda looks like The Scream. Shia Lebeouf would not play any of these characters, not even himself. Elizabeth Shue would play him in the movie. Wait…are we talking about a novel? A movie? A puppet show? I’m confused. Whatever.

Other Questions…

Sup, D?

Eh, not much. Just thinking about how I totally should have tried to nail that chick from that fiction workshop. What a loser I am. I’ll punch myself in the face.

Will there ever be an exciting conclusion to Breaking Brony?

Now granted, I’m a happily married man. I’m just wax a little nostalgic and regretful when it comes to opportunities of life experiences I foolishly passed up in my youth. Damn, I really should have tried to bang that chick from the fiction workshop.

Fargle bashargle wop wop wop?

I mean, I could’ve at least asked her out once, ya know? What’s the worst that could’ve happened? She could’ve said no—big friggin’ deal. Yeah, I totally shoulda tried to tag that chick from the fiction workshop.

What does the D in Douglas stand for? Also, Hershel from The Walking Dead is hawt.

It stands for…Douglas? Yes, Hershel is hawt.

But so was that chick from my fiction workshop. I totes mcgotes shoulda tried to lay her.

Have you ever served anyone The Perfect Popcorn?

Ah, yes, the perfect popcorn. Unfortunately I really can’t discuss that because the recipe for “The Perfect Popcorn” is given at the end of my story “The Perfect Popcorn: A Recipe (Or Confessions of a Lady-in-Waiting),” which, as I already mentioned, is included in Clown Tear Junkies. So if you want to learn how to prepare and serve the perfect popcorn, go forth and read my book! I bet that girl from my fiction workshop liked popcorn. Damn, I totally should have at least made an attempt to jackhammer her. What a loser I am. I’m gonna punch myself in the fucking face now. Take this, Douglas…POW!!

What is the worst job you ever had?

I like the song “Round and Round” by Ratt, the final scene in Freddy vs. Jason where Freddy’s decapitated head winks at the camera, and little fucking else in this weary world. I still can’t believe I didn’t try to bed that girl from my fiction workshop. I should just cut myself up like the goth kids do as punishment for being a tiny little bitch!

One fact about you that even someone who knows you would be surprised to hear…?

I’ve never watched a complete episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Full House, ER, or CSI (any of the CSIs). Weird, huh? No? Well, whatever. Anyway, I bet that girl from my fiction workshop liked ER and The Fresh Prince. Man, what was I thinking? I totally shoulda tried to tap that, ya know? What a loser I am. I’ll punch myself in the goddamn face again.

Dafuq we drankin' tonizzite?

How the hell do you arrive at “tonizzite” from “tonight”? I’ll have what you’re having. But to answer the question, I’m drinking Heineken.
I wonder what that chick from my fiction workshop is drinkin’ tonizzite.

If Douglas Hackle was a delicious pie, what would his ingredients be?

What kind of a question is that? You people are gonna to make my head explode with these questions. Okay, let’s see. Hm. A delicious Douglas Hackle pie would contain meat from every endangered species on the planet, because fuck all those endangered species. If it it’s not human, it’s just a big bug is what I say!! Ya know what? Fuck humans too. Put some human meat in that delicious Douglas Hackle pie. Cuz we’re big bugs too!

Do you have a big blue dick?

No. It’s small and pink. Nevertheless, that does not excuse me for not overcoming my shyness long enough to make one attempt to use that small, pink dick to totally DOMINATE the girl from my fiction workshop. What a loser I am! I’ll punch myself in the fuckin’ face again and again! I really should just cut my face off and then sew it back on like the emo kids do.

If someone were to travel back in time to when people used to say "get one's hackles up," and then in fact get their hackles up, would you levitate off the floor slightly? Or just get a boner?

Both.

Do you like Twinkies?

I like Freddy and Jason and Predator and Alien and Hershel and Mr. Furley and Mr. Roper and beer. I pretty much hate everything else in this weary world. Twinkies are alright though.

Do you get phantom pains from your tiny pinkie nub?

Fortunately, no. Though I certainly deserve them—don’t I?—for not making a move on that girl in my fiction workshop. What a mcspazatron I was!

Do you have more than one Lawry's t-shirt?

There is only one. But I launder it regularly.

Who is your favorite Golden Girl?

My favorite Golden Idol? Hmm, lemme think about that for sec. Eh, probably the Golden Idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Do you ever wear shoes?

Yes, but only when I have to.

Where did you get them .88 cent sunglasses?

A gas station, maybe (?) I can’t remember. Sometimes it’s all a big blur.

Have you ever peed on a clown? Do you want to?

On those occasions when I wear shoes, I tend to pee on them accidentally. So, yes, I have.

What would happen if Pinnochio said "My nose is going to grow now"?

I don’t know, but it’s giving me a major headache thinking about it. You win.

Will you be attending Texas Frightmare Weekend 2014?

Alack and cursed be the day I was born!! No, unfortunately I will not be able to attend for lack of funds. I’ll be there in spirit though, so please leave one chair empty at the Rooster Republic table and pour out a libation in my honor.

Are you wearing underwear RIGHT NOW? What color is it?

No, which makes the second part of the question no longer applicable.

What's it like to crap awesome? And to follow that up: What's it like to wipe awesome out of your ass crack and discard it in the bowl that's already half full of your awesome leavings?

I must admit that being awesome is really, um . . . awesome. Furthermore, I daresay that at certain times, being awesome can even be awesomesauce. What’s more, when the self-awareness of self-awesomeness approaches the highest levels of awesomeness, it exceeds mere awesomesauce to become something that can really only be called awesomesausage.

You're throwing a Bohemian Grove style shindig. Who would you invite and what sort of weird rituals would you perform?

I’d probably invite James Spader and Crispin Glover and Joffrey (from GoT). Maybe Helen Hunt or Meryl Streep or whatever. Oh, and Freddy and Jason and Predator and Hershel and Mr. Furley and Mr. Roper. We’d all punch ourselves in our faces and then cut ourselves like goth kids and then slice off our faces and sew them back on like emo kids.

Fill in the blank:

If it weren't for Rooster Republic Press, maybe I would have nailed that chick from my fiction workshop (I tire of blaming myself.)

Fill in the blanks:

Thanks to Danger Slater, my purple polar bear with a monocle is insane because I didn’t nail that girl from my fiction workshop, so now my only chance of regaining political asylum with the Eskimos is feltching a blue, Spanish TERROR MOUSE in pre-revolutionary, pre-Eiffel Tower, pre-French Fries France.

Thank you Douglas Hackle for your time and interesting answers, the fans of Bizarro Fiction appreciate it.

If you would like to find out more about Doug and his work, follow these links:

Clown Tear Junkies - http://www.amazon.com/Clown-Tear-Junk...

Blog - http://douglashackle.wordpress.com/