WHICH BERLINERS HATE YOU? THE QUIZ
Berlin is many things: poor, sexy, absolutely full to the brim with urine. It’s a great city, but it’s also a seething hive of competing subcultures, all rabid with hate for one another – and since you can’t possibly belong to every single one of them without maintaining a severe personality disorder, the good news is that you’re hated too! By many, many people!
But which ones? Last summer I sat in Gorlitzer park analysing the people around me and drawing a handy flow chart. Since it’s too big to scan (read: I’m too lazy to find an A3 scanner), I’ve replicated it here, so that all the loathing toward you can be enjoyed digitally. ENJOY.
SECTION 1:
YOU’VE FINALLY ARRIVED IN BERLIN! BUT WAIT, SOMEONE’S JABBERING AT YOU IN HARSH, BARK-LIKE TONES! DO YOU SPEAK GERMAN?
A) Ja voll! (Go to section 2)
B) Nein. (Go to section 15)
SECTION 2:
A GROUP OF WHITE PEOPLE ARE DOWNWARD-DOGGING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR STREET. DO YOU JOIN THEM?
A) I’m giving a sun salutation right now! (Go to section 14)
B) No thanks, I’m not into cults. (Go to section 13)
C) Sometimes. (Go to section 3)
SECTION 3:
LET’S JUST CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE ON THIS ONE. DO YOU WEAR NOTHING BUT FILTHY BLACK HOODIES, PREFERABLY CONTAINING ANTI-CAPITALIST SLOGANS AND ACCOMPANIED BY A BOTTLE OF STERNBURG?
A) Wait, HOW CAN YOU SEE ME RIGHT NOW? (Go to section 13)
B) No thanks, I wear people clothes. (Go to section 12)
C) Oh, gods… (Go to section 4)
SECTION 4:
ARE YOU LIVING IN A LEGALISED FORMER SQUAT?
A) Sadly not, I’m living in Neukölln and rent covers 80% of my income. (Go to section 12)
B) Maybe. Define ‘legalised’… (Go to section 15)
C) Huh? (Go to section 5)
SECTION 5:
EVERY THIRD PUBLIC SPACE IN BERLIN IS A PLAYGROUND, FILLED WITH THE SEARING, IRRITATING JOY OF CHILDREN’S LAUGHTER. DO YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN?
A) Oh yes, they’re such a blessing! (Go to section 19)
B) Someday, maybe? (Go to section 6)
C) NEVER! (Go to section 15)
SECTION 6:
BERLIN IS KNOWN FOR ITS BARS AND CLUBS, BUT SOMETIMES WE JUST WANT A STERNY IN THE PARK. OR GUTTER. TELL ME, DO YOU SOCIALISE OUTDOORS AFTER 10PM?
A) At sleep time?! (Go to section 13)
B) Rock on! (Go to section 16)
C) Pass. (Go to section 7)
SECTION 7:
YOU’RE DRUNK, STARVING, AND FIND YOURSELF AT A DISEASE-RIDDEN IMBISS. BUT ARE YOU ORDERING A DONER, OR FALAFEL?
A) Meat me! (Go to section 18)
B) Falafel, you animal-murdering pig! (Go to section 17)
C) Next (Go to section 8)
SECTION 8:
GENDER BINARY: DESTRUCTIVE CAGE OR WHOLESOME LOVELINESS?
A) Huh? (Go to section 9)
B) Sorry, can’t hear you, I’m in drag right now. (Go to section 17)
C) Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! (Go to section 19)
SECTION 9:
FINAL QUESTION: HAVE YOU LIVED HERE LESS THAN ONE YEAR?
A) Please, I’ve been here longer than the wall (Go to END OF THE PAGE)
B) I’ve been here a whole 3 months and 12 days! (Go to section 10)
SECTION 10:
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE HATED BY EVERYONE!
Now please leave.
SECTION 12
YOU’RE HATED BY AGGRESSIVE MALE ANARCHISTS!
They may not have heard of the terms ‘male privilege’, ‘heterosexism’, or ‘not putting people off your political orientation by acting terrifying’, but they sure have heard of the likes of you – and they’re not happy…
SECTION 13:
YOU’RE HATED BY HIPSTERS!
They might be artists who aren’t working on anything in particular right now, but they sure as hell are working on loathing you!
SECTION 14:
YOU’RE HATED BY PUNKS!
Their hair might display all the colour of the tolerance rainbow, but if they find you outside Trinkteufel you’re dead.
SECTION 15:
YOU’RE HATED BY BLAND RICH WHITE HETERO GERMANS!
They’ve moved up from Munich to make every district of Berlin into Prenzlauer Berg, and boy do they fucking hate you!
SECTION 16:
YOU’RE HATED BY YUPPIES!
What’re they even doing in Berlin? Did they get lost on the way home from Kensington or Neuilly? Whatever it is, it also involves disgust toward your very being.
SECTION 17:
YOU’RE HATED BY SKINHEADS!
They hate gays, black people, and the events of 1945. Also, you!
SECTION 18:
YOU’RE HATED BY FREEGANS!
Likes: dumpster diving, clothes swaps, animal-free products. Dislikes: everything about you.
SECTION 19:
YOU’RE HATED BY QUEERS!
Gender might be a socially-constructed illusion, but their hatred of you sure isn’t!
———————————————————————————————————
You’re at the end of the page – you either got here because you gave up, or because no-one in Berlin actually despises you. Which is impossible, and means you’re a liar, but YOU WIN! Go take lots of MDMA and make out with a stranger.
- Quizfern
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