Failure To Communicate .....

“The most important thing in communication
is hearing what isn’t said.”
…. Peter Druker

Although Peter Ferdinand Druker was an Austrian born American management consultant, educator, and author, whose writings contributed to the philosophical and practical foundations of the modern business corporation (Wikipedia), as far as I’m concerned he may as well have been a relationship coach. Trapped within an illusion brought about by the phenomenal success of Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” succeeded by an equally popular movie by the same name, starring Jennifer Anniston, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Crawford, among others, women everywhere – including myself – have been panicked from the moment interaction between us and our partners took an unanticipated turn. Desperate to somehow ‘make it work’ or worse even more desperate to figure out what exactly went wrong, women everywhere rushed to pick up the book and then devour its pages in an effort to finally ‘crack the code’.

For the first time, this was a book that placed the onus squarely upon the man’s shoulders, thereby giving us girls a reason to finally feel empowered and good about ourselves for a change even on the heels of a painful break-up. Quotes like, “Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating,” and even more inflammatory, “I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: THE WORD “BUSY” IS A LOAD OF CRAP AND IS MOST OFTEN USED BY ASSHOLES. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want,” became the gold standard by which we judged a man and potential partner …. and once he failed the test, we assumed the relationship was doomed. It was only a matter of time.

But what about the hundreds of times I, myself, had uttered that same word in an effort to secure a ‘pass’ for something I felt bad about not doing. Although the word “busy” is a rather typical and unimaginative excuse, sometimes it just applies. While the authors of “He’s Just Not That Into You” definitely struck a chord, to imply any man within a relationship who has used this excuse from time-to-time is a disinterested asshole is grossly unfair. There’s no doubt sometimes “busy” is a load of crap, but other times it’s the simple truth.

Therefore, rather than blame any man for a ‘failure to communicate’ perhaps it would be more prudent and wise to come to an understanding of how men and women communicate differently in the first place. For one thing, once any man achieves a level of ‘comfort’ within a relationship, his aggressive communication style will inevitably change once he allows all the people and things he put on temporary hold in order to pursue a potential love interest slowly filter back into his life ….. whether that be work, family or friends. Thus this is entirely normal and predictable behavior.

As a whole, men process information differently than women, which is why they tend to remember every single detail of that which pertains directly to them and forget the “little things” women may find important …. such as your favorite color or the anniversary of your first date. As the more sentimental and nurturing partner within the relationship, he assumes you have those things covered thereby freeing him up for the things he considers important like making you feel safe and provided for. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, just that he prefers to remain in his own comfort zone while you remain in yours.

Also when a man suddenly grows silent, it doesn’t he’s lost interest. He could simply be tired and burned out, needing time to recharge and regroup. Or he’s trapped in deep thought as he endeavors to work through a troubling issue. He’s escaped into a neutral zone where he hopes nobody will place additional demands on his time and energy. During these moments it’s best to remember ‘we all need down time’ therefore ‘quiet time’ doesn’t necessarily equate to lack of interest.

Another likely snag in connecting exists when women – me included – leave little “hints” about what we want as opposed to exercising direct communication, which is how a man’s mind is programmed to receive information, and when communication lacks clarity he tends to ‘fill in the blanks’ accordingly. Therefore, when women only make a partial statement that leaves room for interpretation, a man will interpret the situation according to his own needs/wants/desires which may or may not match up to your own. Thus leaving room for possible errors will unavoidably create just that.

In the past I have often accused my partner of having ‘selective hearing’ when in reality the same could be said for both sexes. From the time we first begin to assert our independence as a child we came to the realization ‘nobody likes to be told what to do’. Therefore the moment someone issues an edict cloaked as a strong suggestion, we have a natural tendency to rebel against authority and instead choose our own path. Thus with men typically being the more dominant partner within a relationship, that impulse is exponentially stronger.

Another common misconception lies in the fact most women still believe they must play ‘hard to get’ in order to keep a man interested. As a result she might temporarily avoid his phone calls or delay returning a text, or perhaps even flirt with other attractive men while in his presence in an effort to ‘prove her worth’. However, it’s been my experience that most men value honesty and integrity within the confines of a committed relationship. Therefore it would seem a simple deduction that if you want to become the center of a man’s universe, you must first make him the center of your own.

Finally – and perhaps the most important lesson of all – stop playing the ‘damsel in distress’. Co-dependency is not pretty on anyone. Confident men positively respond to strong women who are capable of handling their day-to-day. It’s okay to rely upon a man’s strength from time-to-time, but these instances should be selective and rare according to some dictate that is out of the ordinary. He should never feel as if he’s constantly needed to ‘fix’ you or some aspect of your life, but with that being said, it’s still acceptable to remain vulnerable in love. Women are the weaker sex, and oftentimes the more submissive partner, therefore occasionally relying upon your guy’s strength can be a good thing. We all like to feel needed, and in this case men are no different from women.