Get Away from Fear-Based Parenting in Three Easy Steps Sarah MacLaughlin
Get Away from Fear-Based Parenting in Three Easy Steps Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW
It's hard to avoid fear in parenting. A lot of the fear we feel as parents falls into the worry category, though some is gut panic. Then there is the fear we use as parents - is that ever useful? Let's take a look at both kinds. We get scared for any number of reasons. A couple of examples: our two-year-old runs into the street or our four-year-old throws a tantrum of shocking vileness and force. When either of these things happens we get scared and this means we are no longer thinking well. Also, we are no longer in present time.
Step one is to recognize this. When your amygdala hijacks your prefrontal cortex and floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol, you are no longer a rational human. You are in fight or flight mode. I'm guessing we agree that that's not the best place to parent from. Remember that your brain has been taken over, your thinking mind is diminished, and your perception of the situation likely skewed.
Step two is to BREATHE. When you breathe, you reconnect to yourself and your body in the present time. When you snatch your child from a busy street, you are still imagining them injured or dead, even though that didn't happen. You have projected yourself into an imaginary future. Sure, that tantrum was awful, but your preschooler did not mean those awful things he said, and will not end up in therapy or prison. I promise. These are tricks a fearful mind plays - an old response to a new situation. In our modern day world, safety is usually restored very quickly. There is no actual need to fight or run, despite what your body is telling you. Breathing will slow things way down and help remind you of this: You are safe.
Step three is to not perpetuate the fear. Here's where we start to use fear as parents. We swat the child who darted into the road, hoping that pain will scare her into never doing it again. We yell at the four year-old to pull it together, or we separate him in a time-out until he can behave better. Both yelling and time-out are fear-based punishments; the former creates fear of a parent's anger and the latter brings fear of the withdrawal of a parent's attention, closeness, and love. (Ironically, a child who has lost control of their emotions and behavior will regulate much more quickly and efficiently with a calm adult near them, rather than being sent away and isolated.) Punishments of any kind are fear based, and often consequences are just thinly veiled punishments. Don't we want children to be intrinsically motivated to behave well, to have understanding of why they are being guided to behave in certain ways and not in others? Children who are motivated by fear learn to be sneaky to avoid punishment. When we use fear, the ultimate goal of discipline, which is to teach, is completely lost. This reminds me of a classic Albert Einstein quote, one that epitomizes my quest to elevate parenting beyond a fear-based model: "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."
***********************************************************
Sarah is featured in the Essential Parenting Collection! This digital bundle offers a very wide array of eProducts, including eBooks, audiobooks, eCourses, workbooks, audio, coloring pages. This page provides you with detailed information on each product. The Essential Parenting Collection is offered at $49.97, fractions of the retail value of 741.21. Buy the whole collection here.
Sarah's book, What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children is part of the Parenting the Early Years mini bundle which you can purchase separately here.
It's hard to avoid fear in parenting. A lot of the fear we feel as parents falls into the worry category, though some is gut panic. Then there is the fear we use as parents - is that ever useful? Let's take a look at both kinds. We get scared for any number of reasons. A couple of examples: our two-year-old runs into the street or our four-year-old throws a tantrum of shocking vileness and force. When either of these things happens we get scared and this means we are no longer thinking well. Also, we are no longer in present time.
Step one is to recognize this. When your amygdala hijacks your prefrontal cortex and floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol, you are no longer a rational human. You are in fight or flight mode. I'm guessing we agree that that's not the best place to parent from. Remember that your brain has been taken over, your thinking mind is diminished, and your perception of the situation likely skewed.
Step two is to BREATHE. When you breathe, you reconnect to yourself and your body in the present time. When you snatch your child from a busy street, you are still imagining them injured or dead, even though that didn't happen. You have projected yourself into an imaginary future. Sure, that tantrum was awful, but your preschooler did not mean those awful things he said, and will not end up in therapy or prison. I promise. These are tricks a fearful mind plays - an old response to a new situation. In our modern day world, safety is usually restored very quickly. There is no actual need to fight or run, despite what your body is telling you. Breathing will slow things way down and help remind you of this: You are safe.
Step three is to not perpetuate the fear. Here's where we start to use fear as parents. We swat the child who darted into the road, hoping that pain will scare her into never doing it again. We yell at the four year-old to pull it together, or we separate him in a time-out until he can behave better. Both yelling and time-out are fear-based punishments; the former creates fear of a parent's anger and the latter brings fear of the withdrawal of a parent's attention, closeness, and love. (Ironically, a child who has lost control of their emotions and behavior will regulate much more quickly and efficiently with a calm adult near them, rather than being sent away and isolated.) Punishments of any kind are fear based, and often consequences are just thinly veiled punishments. Don't we want children to be intrinsically motivated to behave well, to have understanding of why they are being guided to behave in certain ways and not in others? Children who are motivated by fear learn to be sneaky to avoid punishment. When we use fear, the ultimate goal of discipline, which is to teach, is completely lost. This reminds me of a classic Albert Einstein quote, one that epitomizes my quest to elevate parenting beyond a fear-based model: "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."
***********************************************************
Sarah is featured in the Essential Parenting Collection! This digital bundle offers a very wide array of eProducts, including eBooks, audiobooks, eCourses, workbooks, audio, coloring pages. This page provides you with detailed information on each product. The Essential Parenting Collection is offered at $49.97, fractions of the retail value of 741.21. Buy the whole collection here.
Sarah's book, What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children is part of the Parenting the Early Years mini bundle which you can purchase separately here.
No comments have been added yet.
