If you see a spider on my butt, slap it.

I have a deeply embarrassing problem.

I’ve never revealed my shame, but it’s time.

I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My house is full of…

Gosh, I don’t think I can say it.

All right. Here goes. *deep breath*

We have an infestation of…hair spiders.

Ewwwwww. They are so gross.

Tell me you have them in your house. Please.

Lie. Admit your floor is covered with these creatures.

These disgusting critters are born in the clothes dryer.

Long hair from teens and furry dogs form their complex DNA.

They hide in freshly folded clothing and migrate throughout the house.

The only way to stop them is to stop doing laundry.

Got dirty clothes? Throw them out and buy new ones.

If you don’t, the hair spiders will appear in weird places.

I screamed bloody murder when I found hair spiders in my pencil container.

My piercing wails woke the dog up from her fifteenth nap of the day.

I decided to flee from the house, so I changed into tennis clothes.

A little time on the tennis court would dull my anxiety…

I arrived on the court and my girlfriends dropped their racquets and ran.

I assumed they were afraid of my backhand. Little did I know there was a hair spider on my butt.

Moral of the story:

If there is a hair spider on my butt, slap it off and pretend you never saw it.