Yay! I have internet again! The week in review.

So you may have noticed I haven’t blogged at all this week. That is because my stupid Century Link piece of crap internet died for the last time. I’ve put up with their garbage service and lousy speed for years because it was the only internet available on Yard Moose Mountain.

Luckily when Century Link died AGAIN this weekend I’d already learned that Digis had built a tower on our mountain. I got them to come out to install, but sadly that meant no house internet for a few days, which meant no blogging, even though there was lots of hilarious stuff going on in the world begging to be made fun of.

But last night we got our new internet, and holy moly it is so much faster it is ridiculous. I tested it out on Call of Duty. For the last year I’ve been playing using slow, laggy, jerky internet, plus I normally play while riding an exercise bike for an hour. Last night, actual good internet and a normal heart rate and I went from loser suckwad of losing to an avenging angel dispensing murder death. Yay fast internet!

So long Century Link. May your unspeakable foulness rot in hell.

But what did I not get to blog about? Lots. So let’s do a quick WEEK IN REVIEW!

First off, the greatest video ever made came out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=Z7Z4rGQi2cQ

Yes. Holy shit. That is the actual President of the United States of America running like a girl around the White House with an inebriated Joe Biden (I’m just amazed he can corner that well drunk, and since this is Joe we’re talking about, you know that isn’t water in his cup at the end). Even the Portuguese water dogs weep for America as they go by.

Side note after watching this video several times… How many freaking hand sanitizers do they have in the White House anyway?

If you ever wonder why every tyranical wannabe dictator violent scumbag in the world looks at America as being weak right now, well, there you go. Who the hell on the POTUS’s staff thought that video was a good idea? Probably the same dude who thought this was where the President should stand while making a statement concerning the Russian invasion of the Crimea.

Yep… Can’t really make this stuff up.

Up next, in SAD PUPPIES NEWS, the Typical WorldCon Voter once again showed their ass to the world and demonstrated that they are too PC to live.

So the Hugo awards (you should have your PINs by now so don’t forget to nominate Warbound before the end of the month to combat PRS!) will be held in London this year. Neil Gaiman, who is about as close to a rock superstar as you get in this industry, is friends with Johnathan Ross, who is the British equivelent of Jay Leno or David Letterman. Gaiman asked Ross to host the Hugo ceremony. Ross (who normally gets like a hundred grand to host an event) VOLUNTEERED to do it for FREE. He’s hosted ComicCon and the Eisner awards (events bigger than like five or six WorldCons put together) and is also a sci-fi geek, has written sci-fi comics, and his wife is a Hugo winning sci-fi author so he actually likes this stuff, plus he’s got 3 MILLION Twitter followers, so that’s kind of a no brainer for publicity for our struggling, shrinking genre, right?

Oh hell no.

http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2014/03/jonathan-ross-and-hugo-awards-why-was-he-forced-out-science-fictions-self-appointed

Those of you who want to end Puppy Related Sadness won’t be surprised to know that instead of saying “Yay! Publicity! Increased Book Sales for the nominees!” one of the authors got upset that Ross, being a comedian, might make fat jokes. And that made her feel unsafe. What’s the matter LonCon? You promised to make me feel safe. No. I shit you not.

Putting aside the whole thing where words make you unsafe bullshit, and how a con doesn’t just need to protect you from sexual harrassement but also the potential that somebody somewhere may actually utter words that hurt your self esteem, surely the Typical WorldCon Voter would be grown up enough to say put your big girl panties on and move on with life.

Of coure not. So then SMOF, being SMOF, immediately got their outrage on, lit up their torches and pulled out their pitchforks and began mercilessly attacking Ross. Not for anything he’d actually done mind you, but because of what he MIGHT do, never mind all of the evidence to the contrary of him being a professional in hosting award shows that dwarf the Hugos.

And Ross isn’t exactly a right winger. He’s British.

So the brigade of yippy attack dogs began nipping at him, flinging poo, and all of the usual character assassination stuff outspoken authors like me have been putting up with for years. “Why do you want all the fat people to die you hafeful 1%er?” When Ross defended himself and (being a comedian) tried to mock those mocking him, then it turning into “You sound angry.” “Yes, so angry.” “More examples of why you shouldn’t host, you hateful rage monster.” so on and so forth.

Of course, those of us who spend our lives yanking these people’s chains already have a checklist and bingo card ready for these sorts of predictable things, http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2013/09/20/the-internet-arguing-checklist/ we are used to their tantrums and immunized by being actual grown ups with lives, but since this was mostly lefties eating lefties, all of the hate and character assassination came as a surprise to them.

So Ross dropped out. His daughter tried to defend her father by pointing out that she was overweight and so Ross was sensitive to that sort of thing, but NOOOOOOOOOoooo, this is our designated outrage of the week and facts will not stand in our way! His sci-fi author wife and daughter had to quit Twitter because they got so hounded by caring liberals.

(on a side note, before the No Labels crowd throws their predictable fit, when I say Caring Liberals, that is the special subclass that cares so hard they like to threaten to kill people like me. One of us conservative bloggers’ favorite things to do on Twitter is see how many posts it takes to have a caring liberal go from accusing us of misogyny before they threaten to murder or rape our wives or daughters. My record is 5, though I’ve seen it done in 3)

Neil Gaiman was shocked by this outpouring of stupidity, and I for one love the comment about how he was stunned they attacked Ross for imaginary offenses and hateful things he’d never done or would do. No shit? Really? Welcome to the party, Mr. Gaiman. This is how the other half lives. Neil was apparently unaware of the Make Shit Up section of the checklist. If one half of what they said about somebody like me was true I’d be the vilest scum the world has ever seen, but I’m usually just a guy who disagrees with them and who will never back down, which obviously means I’m a white man who grew up with white privilege who hates gays, minorities, women, old people, young people, sunshine, and kittens.

LonCon issued a statement which reads sort of like the thing Maoist prisoners had to read right before going in front of the firing squad. They’re super sorry that their hateful hatemongery knows no boundry of hate, and how dare they put actual skill, celebrity, and promotional value above the off chance that one of you might pull some imagined offense out of your ass. We’re super sorry, commisar.

Anybody want to bet that if they’d gotten John Stewart or Stephen Colbert to host SMOF would have been giddy with excitement? And if somebody like me had said I feel unsafe because he may make jokes about the Tea Party, I’d have been the one to get laughed at? Not that that would have happened, because my side isn’t the one made up of easily offended glittery hoohaws.

So there you go, the latest SFWA/SMOF/Typical WorldCon Voter outrage of the week. Personally I think London should get Jeremy Clarkson to host. Then I’d actually bother to go, but mostly in the hopes that I’d get to hang out with him, drive around in a badass super car, and go to Piers Morgan’s house to punch him in the face again.

Oh, and by the way, we named our new fast internet router Privilege Whale.