Full Time Writer - It's Terrifying Me

For the past year or so I've been doing contract accounting work, trying to find something I want to do full-time. I had quit work for a while to be a mom, and going back, I wanted to put down work-roots in a good company. So I've worked for a few places, none of which are a great fit, but they're okay.

Then this writing thing kind of spiked. I got the formula of publishing half-way down (cover, editing, etc), and made enough to make this my full time job. The problem is, I'm too logical for these shenanigans. The idea of being a kind-of artist full time? Relying on other people to buy my stuff so I can live?

Ugh. Terrifying.

So, like any overly-logical person that has been a poor college student at one time, I decided to keep working in a full-time accounting gig while I kept the writing thing going in the evenings.

I didn't really think things through, I'll grant you. I started an extremely stressful job with a huge commute, tried to keep my finger on the pulse of marketing my books, tried to continue writing, and tried to keep my family going (I do 75% of the duties in domestic life because I married a man--not sure the straight card worked in my favor on this one). I was doing two full-time jobs, plus trying to find time for family life.

Where did I find the time? I didn't sleep, that's where. I sent off emails at stoplights. I woke up with my phone in my face, answering emails and on facebook. I wrote long into the night.

Not good times. I am not a smiley person when I'm tired.

So, on the brink of exhaustion, I decided to take a break from the work life. Not forever, maybe, but I needed a second to get some writing projects out. I needed a little while with only ONE full-time job.

I have been out of the workforce for about two weeks, and it is going...strangely. Good?

The great news is that I have time again! I write during the day, get my words in, exercise, monitor my eating, and...have time to read. Or watch TV (although, I don't like many programs). Or play with my kid. I'm writing a blog post because I didn't have anything else to do.

This having one job thing is...freaking awesome! Plus, I'm my own boss. I'm driven, so I don't have the issue of not getting my work done. I get done what I need to get done, and if I have extra time, I do...something else. Or nothing else. It's great.

Flip side: I want to succeed at this. I want to do the best I can. The problem is, I'm in a venue that relies on a bunch of people's opinions. Unlike with accounting, where doing a good job is more or less black and white, succeeding at writing is a moving target. One without much control.

Did I mention I am a control-freak? Was that brought up? Because I feel like that should be said.

 You wonder why I stress so much about the Amazon review system? Even if one negative review only represents 5% of the overall reviews, if it is on display, people run for the hills. I can't blame them, but I also can't hide my concern for my livelihood.

Doom's Day parade-- like my gi-normous float?

I know, that is a glass half-empty way to look at things. But unlike most authors, I'm a business major. I think about these things. I worry about them--I can't help it. I have given up control, and have to navigate the ship based on something so fickle as opinions of strangers.

I don't even like strangers. I hate small-talk.


You know what, it's like high-school. Being an author is like high-school, and I have to deal with the mean girls all over again.

Panicking much?





So what do I do when the pressure gets too intense in a venture, and I don't want to deal with it anymore?

Why, I take my big red ball and go home, that's what I do.

I pull out. If I had a contract job to go to tomorrow, I'd stop writing. Maybe just a short break until I hardened up, maybe an extended break, maybe just walk away. But a definite break.





Why not just take that break, you ask? Because I am OCD about working, that's why. If I don't have accounting, I will write. I just will. I will make sure I have some sort of job, because I remember being poor in college and it was awful.

So. Yeah. I'm writing fulltime. It's happening. Right now.

Did I mention I have an extreme fear of failure? I'm afraid of lack of control, and afraid to fail. So, pretty much, I've landed in a job where two of my biggest fears are constantly punching me in the face.

How did this happen?

And I will tell you what--if I have to face the fear of being stuffed in a closet, wrapped in a blanket, with my hair in my face...no. Just, no. I will not do it, I don't care.

People think I am just blowing smoke when I say I'm not a writer. Oh, no, silly. No, that's not it. What I really mean is, writing full time scares the ever-loving crap out of me. People constantly judging me scares me. Angry readers (which is something I never have been, so I don't even understand it), freaks me out. Someone seeing through my pen name and emailing me with all of my personal info...

Yes, that was terrifying, too.

That's where I'm at. Just wrapped up in crazy-land with my laptop. No big deal.


Can I share your rock for a while? Just for a little shade? Lol!