How I Discovered I Wasn’t The Victim in Conflicts

Conflict resolution has not come easily for me in the past.

I’ve always waffled back and forth between avoiding arguments completely, so as not to be perceived as pushy or controlling; or confronting conflicts after the situation has already escalated beyond a simple misunderstanding, which of course meant I had a hard time controlling my temper and would lash out unnecessarily.

It was always hard for me to remain level-headed and objective during an argument, which mean conflicts in my relationships were rarely solved.

To be honest, my relationships have really suffered from this tendency. At times I know my friends have wondered if I’m the kind of person who is willing to have hard conversations. Other times, especially with those who know me best, I’ve gained a reputation for losing my cool during arguments, yelling and saying things I regret later—in the name of “just stating my opinion.”

A few years ago, I decided I really wanted this to change.

I was noticing that my relationships tended to either stay pretty shallow, or to dissolve into tension and fighting and then just disappear altogether. The other thing I noticed was that I would often lose myself in relationships. Because I overlooked problems more than I tried to fix them, eventually I would just find that the other person in the relationship didn’t know me that well.

*Photo Credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk, Creative Commons

Both in friendships and in romantic relationships, I never felt like anyone knew me or cared about me that much; and I saw a strong connection between this feeling and my inability to handle conflict.

So I decided to start intentionally learning how to deal with conflict.

I read a bunch of books, and spent some time talking with a few trusted people in my life, including my dad who is a clinical psychologist. I learned some good strategies for resolving conflict without fighting, but one has proved particularly effective in all kinds of situations. This advice, from my dad, goes like this:

Relationships are like mirrors. They reflect ourselves back to us. So, whatever you are feeling in a relationship, chances are the other person is feeling it too. In other words, if you feel angry at your husband, chances are he feels angry, too. If you feel ignored by a friend, chances are he or she feels ignored, too.

They might feel what they feel for different reasons than you, but the feeling is the same.

The beauty of this understanding is that it helps us see the two-sidedness of conflict.

Typically we think of conflict as fairly one-sided. Conflict comes because one person does something bad (the villain), and then other person gets hurt (the victim)—right? Not really. Conflict is usually much more complex and layered than the simple cause-effect way we think about it. But when our feelings get hurt, or when we’re angry, it’s so easy to believe we are the victim in the circumstances and the other person is the villain.

Suddenly, when we discover we have a mirror, we see sides of the conflict which would have otherwise been out of our sight.

Here’s an example of how the reflection principal might work to help you solve a conflict.

The other morning my husband and I were rushing around the house to leave for our morning commute. We share a car, and both often have meetings at different places in town, so we always have to be pretty flexible to make sure we both get where we need to go. The other day, as we were leaving, he asked me to “please hurry” in a tone that felt harsh and unnecessary.

In the past, I would have either 1) ignored the comment and secretly congratulated myself for “rising above it,” but later felt resentful; or 2) snapped back at him with something like, “how dare you talk to me like that!”

Instead, this time, I did something different.

I thought to myself: That comment really hurt my feelings. I wonder if I did or said something to hurt his feelings. So I asked him: “Did I do something to hurt your feelings?” Immediately, his demeanor changed. His face softened, and he admitted, yes, that he felt like I wasn’t taking seriously how much he was in a hurry that morning. We both apologized, and moved on.

And then we congratulated ourselves because, what could have turned into a fight for power or a silent reason to feel bitter, ended in resolution.

There was no animosity. No hidden agendas. No posturing. And no silent sulking.

We fixed the problem before it became a problem.

Of course, this is all easier said than done. The reflection principal, like anything, takes some practice to begin to understand, and you have to be careful not to assume you know exactly what the other person is feeling. But it’s been really helpful for me as I learn to become better at solving conflicts. My friendships are deeper and more satisfying. My marriage is stronger.

I’m far less afraid to confront conflicts and am far better at speaking my mind without exploding.

I’m taking one day at a time.

How I Discovered I Wasn’t The Victim in Conflicts is a post from: Storyline Blog