Husbands at OB/GYN Appointments and Life in general

Every so often I have a day when I just want to do nothing, which is not so easy to do when you need to support your spouse with their career and take care of a very young child. It’s even harder to motivate on those days when your physical condition equates with what is euphemistically termed ‘broken’, i.e.: due to past injury or health you can no longer operate at peak efficiency.

And no, this post isn’t about my health so much as a few observations made on a day when I would rather have stayed in the cave.

First, playing classical music while attempting to coax a four-month-old daughter into taking a nap after her second breakfast is not conducive to anyone’s ability to write, or do housework, or avoid drooling on the computer’s keyboard. Add in the child waking up abnormally early (for her) and the effect of classical music is zzzzzzzzzzz…

Second, when the four-month-old daughter rolls over to the mirror you have set up (so you can keep an eye on her) and she starts kissing the baby in the mirror, laughing is not a wise reaction. Tiny demon warrior princess has a sense of humor, but not necessarily about herself. If looks could kill…

Third, accompanying Wife with Daughter to an OB/GYN checkup (the post partum one was delayed due to factors beyond control), it’s best to avoid being a tired smartass. Young people early in their medical careers don’t always have enough experience to tell when you are and aren’t being serious.
***
Practitioner: “Are you experiencing any pain when having sex?”
Wife: “No, no problems.”
Me: “Only when she gets the handcuffs too tight or breaks out the whip because I was naughty.”
Chaperone: *Strangled snort*
***
Practitioner: “Was it an easy delivery?”
Wife: “I guess so, it was almost completely natural and over half an hour after I got to L&D.”
Me: “It was easy until the attending physician stuck both her hands up the Wife’s tunnel of love and tried to read a Chinese menu printed in Braille.”
Chaperone: *Strangled laughter*
***
Practitioner: “Are you sure you wouldn’t like some form of birth control other than condoms? We have a wide selection of more convenient…”
Wife: “No, I’m good. What we have works.”
Practitioner: “But…”
Me: “After seven years together you can bet if that child hadn’t been planned she wouldn’t be here now. We actually have figured out what causes babies and we’re careful.”
Chaperone: *Chuckles*
***
Practitioner: “Now that we’re finished, do you have any questions?”
Wife: “No, you’ve reassured me I still have a vagina so no questions.”
Me: “Yeah, I have one. Is it normal for a four-month-old baby to roll herself across the floor so she can chase the kat?”
Practitioner: “What?”
Chaperone: *Laughter* “That one will be walking soon and early.”

Fourth, it’s good to try and remember that a tiny four-month-old demon warrior princess does understand English, Spanish and probably a few other languages as well. When the child hears the words ‘like’, ‘boob’, ‘food’, and ‘eat’ used more or less together and in different languages and then uses one finger to point repeatedly into her mouth, it’s probably not coincidental. She’s politely saying she’s hungry and ready to eat. When she starts getting adamant by trying to stuff her fist into her mouth while making lip-smacking eating noises she’s just being sarcastic while questioning your basic ability to understand the simple things.

Last but not least no matter how crappy a day might be life is always going to provide some fodder for later writing. It might not be funny to you at the time, but you can look back on those moments and smile while you’re typing.