Storytelling: Picking Apart
In my last blog, I posted samples of a first draft and a later draft of a paragraph. Here they are again:
FIRST DRAFT:
“I could as easily start with a description of her, Eileen Hesperin, who initially interviewed me for a magazine piece about Living with AIDS. I don’t know how my name came up, out of the myriad, but I said sure, and she offered to come over on Saturday. She was an attractive woman in her late thirties, with scoops of pale brown hair nested over her ears, and a lean chiseled cut to her cheekbones. She shook hands with authority and a firm grip, and maneuvered easily along lines of professional friendliness to put me at ease, I suppose. A fierce, intelligent smile, and a strong voice that commanded attention. I met her at a coffee shop early enough in the afternoon so that we would not be distracted by customers.”
CURRENT DRAFT:
“I could easily start my story with a description of Eileen Hesperin, an attractive woman in her late thirties, with curly brown hair. She had a smooth, round face, and tiny pucker that hid her tiger’s smile. While her handshake was a throw-down, her professional courtesy was intended to put me at ease. I met her at a coffee shop early in the afternoon when few other customers were around.”
How did I choose which changes to make? The first draft meanders into the story, mixing a description of Eileen with the purpose of the interview. I spend a lot of time describing her appearance and mannerisms. It felt better to get down to business.
Eileen’s physical appearance changes between the two drafts too. I decided that giving her curly hair and a round face was a good contrast to her tiger’s smile. Plus, a tiger’s smile is more evocative than a “fierce, intelligent smile.” It gives a sense of threat. A lot of the details get trimmed down. My first drafts tend to emulate Victorian novels, and my subsequent drafts try to use more contemporary language.
Next, the reason for the interview comes out in the dialogue, so it wasn’t necessary to explain it in the first paragraph.
Overall, I like the current version. Given that I am still working on this latest revision, there may be a few more changes, but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.
FIRST DRAFT:
“I could as easily start with a description of her, Eileen Hesperin, who initially interviewed me for a magazine piece about Living with AIDS. I don’t know how my name came up, out of the myriad, but I said sure, and she offered to come over on Saturday. She was an attractive woman in her late thirties, with scoops of pale brown hair nested over her ears, and a lean chiseled cut to her cheekbones. She shook hands with authority and a firm grip, and maneuvered easily along lines of professional friendliness to put me at ease, I suppose. A fierce, intelligent smile, and a strong voice that commanded attention. I met her at a coffee shop early enough in the afternoon so that we would not be distracted by customers.”
CURRENT DRAFT:
“I could easily start my story with a description of Eileen Hesperin, an attractive woman in her late thirties, with curly brown hair. She had a smooth, round face, and tiny pucker that hid her tiger’s smile. While her handshake was a throw-down, her professional courtesy was intended to put me at ease. I met her at a coffee shop early in the afternoon when few other customers were around.”
How did I choose which changes to make? The first draft meanders into the story, mixing a description of Eileen with the purpose of the interview. I spend a lot of time describing her appearance and mannerisms. It felt better to get down to business.
Eileen’s physical appearance changes between the two drafts too. I decided that giving her curly hair and a round face was a good contrast to her tiger’s smile. Plus, a tiger’s smile is more evocative than a “fierce, intelligent smile.” It gives a sense of threat. A lot of the details get trimmed down. My first drafts tend to emulate Victorian novels, and my subsequent drafts try to use more contemporary language.
Next, the reason for the interview comes out in the dialogue, so it wasn’t necessary to explain it in the first paragraph.
Overall, I like the current version. Given that I am still working on this latest revision, there may be a few more changes, but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.
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