Critique Workshop #19: THE FOURTH GENERATION
Title: The Fourth GenerationGenre: YA DystopianWordcount: 72,000
Query:
Gorin is only two months from his seventeenth birthday, certain death thanks to the birth-transmitted disease that devastated the world a hundred years ago. His job is to find artifacts—books, computers, etc.—in Middleton, Pennsylvania and deliver them to his faction leader, who transports them to the mansion. At the manor the rulers study the artifacts to try to invent a cure and rediscover electricity, an almighty force from the Old World that made life way easier.
Naturally curious, Gorin wishes he could spend his last days studying those artifacts, and just once lay his eyes on the whopping supply of extraordinary objects at the rulers’ mysterious mansion before he dies…But no—both are strictly prohibited and punishable by death.
So when Gorin fails to win his last chance to go on a tour of the manor, he and his friend Marf sneak a peek at the incredible mansion at night. A steady, unnaturally bright light exudes from it. The rulers have electricity! Further inspection reveals they have a cure to the plague, too, and they’ve been selfishly keeping both to themselves for generations. Worse yet, Gorin and Marf are discovered during their spy act. Now with massive bounties on their heads, they try to break into the heavily guarded mansion to gather evidence of the rulers’ deceit and save everybody in town from their tragically short lives.
First 250
I raced up the eight floors of the dingy downtown apartment with record-breaking speed for the third time that day. Not bad for a guy who’d had the god-awful plague eat away at him all sixteen years of his life. My empty backpack bounced airily on my shoulders, my feet landing just in front of the steps’ worn, chipped edges.
The rest of the Valuable Objects had better still be there. Worth a ton of prestige points, they could be just enough to finally push my faction into the top spot of The Tournament of Prestige this year. But if somebody else found them while I was gone…
At last I made it to the eighth floor. My chest heaved as I sucked in breath.
Scat—the second door on the right stood wide open! Not good. My heart rate doubled as I crept up to the door so quietly a bug a millimeter from my feet wouldn’t have felt the vibration.
I peeked inside the room.
Mother of scat. A boy as big and strong as me stood in front of the old wooden cabinets on the left side of the room, his side facing me. He had blotchy, dark gray skin, so was about my age, too.
The cabinet doors were in-laid with glass, so you could see inside them. They were empty. Sure enough, the boy started to turn away from them. I jerked my head back into the hallway, then peeked back in.
Query:
Gorin is only two months from his seventeenth birthday, certain death thanks to the birth-transmitted disease that devastated the world a hundred years ago. His job is to find artifacts—books, computers, etc.—in Middleton, Pennsylvania and deliver them to his faction leader, who transports them to the mansion. At the manor the rulers study the artifacts to try to invent a cure and rediscover electricity, an almighty force from the Old World that made life way easier.
Naturally curious, Gorin wishes he could spend his last days studying those artifacts, and just once lay his eyes on the whopping supply of extraordinary objects at the rulers’ mysterious mansion before he dies…But no—both are strictly prohibited and punishable by death.
So when Gorin fails to win his last chance to go on a tour of the manor, he and his friend Marf sneak a peek at the incredible mansion at night. A steady, unnaturally bright light exudes from it. The rulers have electricity! Further inspection reveals they have a cure to the plague, too, and they’ve been selfishly keeping both to themselves for generations. Worse yet, Gorin and Marf are discovered during their spy act. Now with massive bounties on their heads, they try to break into the heavily guarded mansion to gather evidence of the rulers’ deceit and save everybody in town from their tragically short lives.
First 250
I raced up the eight floors of the dingy downtown apartment with record-breaking speed for the third time that day. Not bad for a guy who’d had the god-awful plague eat away at him all sixteen years of his life. My empty backpack bounced airily on my shoulders, my feet landing just in front of the steps’ worn, chipped edges.
The rest of the Valuable Objects had better still be there. Worth a ton of prestige points, they could be just enough to finally push my faction into the top spot of The Tournament of Prestige this year. But if somebody else found them while I was gone…
At last I made it to the eighth floor. My chest heaved as I sucked in breath.
Scat—the second door on the right stood wide open! Not good. My heart rate doubled as I crept up to the door so quietly a bug a millimeter from my feet wouldn’t have felt the vibration.
I peeked inside the room.
Mother of scat. A boy as big and strong as me stood in front of the old wooden cabinets on the left side of the room, his side facing me. He had blotchy, dark gray skin, so was about my age, too.
The cabinet doors were in-laid with glass, so you could see inside them. They were empty. Sure enough, the boy started to turn away from them. I jerked my head back into the hallway, then peeked back in.
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