Self debasement and the shogun making angry duckface in my shower curtain.

I'm a complete zombie in the morning.
Actually, I'd say my body wakes up a good hour or two before my brain.
Okay, fine. My body wakes up at least five to seven hours before my brain. 
The first hour is an initial boot up sequence. Fingers and toes become operational enough to scratch my various places. The neck is tested in a series of motions designed to either get blood back into brain or find an optimal position for my head to continue pretending it's asleep. The next forty five minutes are spent trying to convince myself that my comfort level beneath the blankets supersedes the drive to urinate. 
When I finally do stumble out of bed it's a zombie walk to the bathroom. This typically involves bumping into furniture, animals, or other parts of myself. All to the tune of whatever song is stuck in my head. In this case:


I should point out, "Hooked on a Feeling" wasn't stuck in my head because of Reservoir Dogs, but rather from watching the trailer for Guardian's of the Galaxy a couple of times before bed. Not that I've always been a fan. I only recently started reading the comics and mostly because my girlfriend has informed me, "I AM GROOT!" So I felt like it's something I should do. Anyway, why don't you keep that song playing as you read to immerse yourself in the full "early morning experience." And just to pick back up, I bump into things. Quite often.
Sometimes I stub my toe on the chair that some idiot decided would look good by the bedroom door. That same idiot who refuses to move it elsewhere every day. 
Once I'm awake it's always the decision that it really does look good there.
I don't know what motivated me, but I decided to make a small recording to see just how pathetic and seemingly under sedation I am in the morning. Although I don't want to put the video on YouTube, here's how horrible it looks while I brush my teeth and slap on deodorant:

See. Not even awake. Also I should point out the shower curtain. The story you can tell your friends is that I went to the shower curtain store and demanded, "The absolute most regal shower curtain known to man. I want the wealthy elite grandfathers of the world to be humbled in my bathroom!"
Seriously though, when I stare at the pattern in the curtain I can see what looks to me like a well endowed shogun making an angry duck face. 

Don't see it?


Now I'm beeeeeping his nose.
I don't know why he's a shogun. The whole upper half to me seems like a samurai helmet with a ton of ornamental flash.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes:

It could be argued I'm either applying deodorant or fainting. Perhaps lamenting the fact that I clearly decided to skip my shower today. 
I don't know why I do that. It's almost as though I'm pretending to still use my pillow. Some backwoods part of my mind is going, "If I just place my hand here it's like I never got out of bed!" 
Stupid, stupid man.
And it only gets worse from there.

I mean, seriously. I look like I'm saluting there. THAT kind of saluting!

Oh don't even try to pretend like you didn't notice! We all saw it! Right now the whole Internet is noticing that deodorant applied salute. Just what was going through your head there?!


INNOCENT, MY ASS!!! If I hadn't noticed my arm doing that, this wouldn't even be a blog right now!!! 



Oh, sure! NOW I feel ashamed! Not at the start of this when I decided to blog topless! NOW! "Everything is fine and wonderful until you accidentally salute the The Third Reich in the morning!" Perfect! That'll sell the books. Because everybody knows how much we want to see flabby dudes brush their teeth on the Internet.

...Yeah, that's helping. That totally makes up for not going to the gym there, Chunkers. Good job.