The Bottoms of Giants: A Writer's Guide to Raking it in
Please do not panic. I am here now. I will tell you how to make that money of which you have dreamt so long. By writing, of course!
But wait, you cry! Who is Peadar Ó Guilín to tell you how to write best-sellers and the like? He is totally without mega-millions of his own. His name has not appeared in the New York Times -- unless you're counting the personal's page -- and it is the bank, and not he, who own that leaky roof above his head.
Yes. I will admit to my own lack of success, but you see, dear readers, while I have yet to climb to the top of the ladder, at least I am on the ladder. I am high enough now that I can see the bottoms of giants and I dwell in the odours that waft thereof.
In short, I am the guy who can tell what the giants are having for dinner.
So, you might ask, what is that recipe that smells so sweet? How might I surpass Croesus and Dan Brown? And can you please, please drop that mocking tone and be at least a little serious?
Consider it done, my tiny friend. Here then, is what you need to be a best-seller:
First, I will dispense with the obvious. Hard Work is a necessary ingredient of a multi-million seller. Yes, even those who made their names from starring in porn videos that "accidentally" leaked onto youtube, will require plenty of sweat and gritted teeth from their grateful ghost-writers. And luck too will play its part, if only because it makes such an excellent excuse for those of us still cleaning toilets by day. And talent, whatever that is, always helps.
But more important than any of these, is an ability to avoid the catch-22 of love.
Avoid what? What are you talking about?
Allow me to explain...
Everybody scorns some fiction sub-genre or other. When we SF nerds are in a bookshop, we enjoy throwing a good sneer in the direction of the heaving shelves of Romance novels. And as for the darlings of Serious Literature, why, they save their derision for the likes of us!
People should feel free to despise whatever they want, but what I find strange is how often they seem to think that the thing they ridicule is "easy". They sometimes boast how they could write a romance novel under an assumed name and make enough of a fortune from it to subsidise something deeper.
Of course, that never works. It can't work. You dislike Romance/Fantasy/Horror precisely because you are blind to what makes other people love it . Thus, you will never be able to give the fans what they want. To be a real success, you must adore what you write, and what you write must have the potential to be adored by millions.
The last point is important. If kettles are your thing, you will never make money writing about them. I know you're talented. I know you're lucky. I know you write every second of the day and that you hone and hone your craft until a reader can hear the tea-time whistle and feel the condensation practically pouring off the page. It doesn't matter. Too few will care.
You can't write a Romance because you don't like Romance. You can't write about kettles because the world doesn't care about kettles. And this, my friend, is the catch-22 of love.
And no, I don't know how you're going to get out of this without a total personality transplant. I lied when I said I could make you millions.
AND SOME SUCCESS
The lovely folks at PodCastle are to make an audio version of yet another one of my stories. More on that closer to the actual release date, but needless to say, I'm delighted. I love them.
But wait, you cry! Who is Peadar Ó Guilín to tell you how to write best-sellers and the like? He is totally without mega-millions of his own. His name has not appeared in the New York Times -- unless you're counting the personal's page -- and it is the bank, and not he, who own that leaky roof above his head.
Yes. I will admit to my own lack of success, but you see, dear readers, while I have yet to climb to the top of the ladder, at least I am on the ladder. I am high enough now that I can see the bottoms of giants and I dwell in the odours that waft thereof.
In short, I am the guy who can tell what the giants are having for dinner.
So, you might ask, what is that recipe that smells so sweet? How might I surpass Croesus and Dan Brown? And can you please, please drop that mocking tone and be at least a little serious?
Consider it done, my tiny friend. Here then, is what you need to be a best-seller:
First, I will dispense with the obvious. Hard Work is a necessary ingredient of a multi-million seller. Yes, even those who made their names from starring in porn videos that "accidentally" leaked onto youtube, will require plenty of sweat and gritted teeth from their grateful ghost-writers. And luck too will play its part, if only because it makes such an excellent excuse for those of us still cleaning toilets by day. And talent, whatever that is, always helps.
But more important than any of these, is an ability to avoid the catch-22 of love.
Avoid what? What are you talking about?
Allow me to explain...
Everybody scorns some fiction sub-genre or other. When we SF nerds are in a bookshop, we enjoy throwing a good sneer in the direction of the heaving shelves of Romance novels. And as for the darlings of Serious Literature, why, they save their derision for the likes of us!
People should feel free to despise whatever they want, but what I find strange is how often they seem to think that the thing they ridicule is "easy". They sometimes boast how they could write a romance novel under an assumed name and make enough of a fortune from it to subsidise something deeper.
Of course, that never works. It can't work. You dislike Romance/Fantasy/Horror precisely because you are blind to what makes other people love it . Thus, you will never be able to give the fans what they want. To be a real success, you must adore what you write, and what you write must have the potential to be adored by millions.
The last point is important. If kettles are your thing, you will never make money writing about them. I know you're talented. I know you're lucky. I know you write every second of the day and that you hone and hone your craft until a reader can hear the tea-time whistle and feel the condensation practically pouring off the page. It doesn't matter. Too few will care.
You can't write a Romance because you don't like Romance. You can't write about kettles because the world doesn't care about kettles. And this, my friend, is the catch-22 of love.
And no, I don't know how you're going to get out of this without a total personality transplant. I lied when I said I could make you millions.
AND SOME SUCCESS
The lovely folks at PodCastle are to make an audio version of yet another one of my stories. More on that closer to the actual release date, but needless to say, I'm delighted. I love them.
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