Writing Worry #22: It's not as good as I think

Here I am again. A little over a year ago, I was lamenting about my second draft fears. That novel (Wolf Creek) is completed, was beta read and is being submitted (and rejected) by agents. 

November brought another NaNoWriMo first draft. December and January involved retooling the outline and expanding the plot. Now I'm into re-writes and the dreading second draft.

Compared with last year, I am started with about the same amount of words but a far more complete plot. I still want to add another 20K words, probably with the serial killers POV as she hunts down and tries to frame Dr. Riley for the murders of his former submisives. 

I'm about 40 pages into the re-writes and working at a glacial pace. It seems like there's always something more pressing to do like a short story submission or working on an outline for a collaborative project. Or I don't feel like writing in the car, which is the bulk of my writing time.

Then it hit me. I've nervous about these re-writes because I fear that this story isn't as good as I think it is. I digging the characters and love blending erotic elements with murder. I think I've finally come up with a concept that an agent will want to sell. 

And I'm scared I will mess it up.

Stories are so perfect in thought. Writing the first draft is like an extend daydream that no one has to know about. The second draft means sharing with my writing groups my progress - or lack there of - and readings. I could skip the readings, but I need feedback about the story progression and character development. I'm already in love with this novel, but I know no one else will get a chance to fall in love with it until it's cleaned up.

I'm reminded of a recent Freakanomics episode about perceived loss. The only way my novel will get a chance to see publication is if I re-write it and share it. Otherwise it's definitely not getting published sitting as a first draft on my computer.