Edits are a Drowning Hazard

Think positively. The more positivity you put out in the world, the more positivity will come back to you. Karma 101.

Every time I see sentences like the above, I think, “Oh, what a load of –”

But then you hit times in your life where you are really dragging. And the first step to getting out of it is to change your thoughts. (Or make a radical decision and wait for your outlook to catch up. I don’t quite recommend this one but it seems to be the one that I get slapped with a lot).

I made my deadline in November, and then got amazing edits back from Laura Anne Gilman. And I couldn’t look at the edits for over a month. Half of it was holiday and job-quitting related, but the other half was HOLY SHIT, I AM TERRIFIED.

First of all, I finished something. I got from beginning, through muddle/middle, to the end. I wrote a last sentence on it. I read over some of it but I was so fried from writing so fast, I just had to send it. This book has been pieces on a cutting room floor for over ten years. It had many iterations but it was finally in one that kind of made some odd, futuristic sense.

Second, I had to face NaNo draft. NaNo draft that I had let someone else see. Mercifully, I paid her to look at it. I think that was the only way for someone, ANYONE, to make it through looking at that.

Finally, it meant I had to put my big girl panties on and make it into something presentable, potentially purchasable not only by publishers but also readers.

So what does one do, facing that? Put on headphones and get to work.

I’m in the middle. I’ve hit a scene that is tough as nails, a blur of red comments all down the side. Most of the comments are a mix of “???” and “This isn’t saying what you want it to.” And I’m frustrated because my verbs are all wrong, my typos are egregious, I’m drinking way more caffeine than I need, and I actually look forward to the five-ten minute breaks to do chores (Anyone who knows me will know that Kate+Chores=HILARIOUS).

When I look up from the edits, building my resiliency to my first draft woes, I’m tired. One little thing that I see as against me in the world? I feel sucker-punched with depression. My fragile sense of self-security has been used up in my revisions. I’m left personally emotionally fragile, all my strength given into my words of the day.

I’m left with two choices:

Think positive thoughts.
Give up.

Option number 2 has been picked a lot in the past. It’s about time for something new.