For the creative parents out there – this one is for you.
I have to go grocery shopping because they say another big ol’ ice storm is coming to hit Atlanta tomorrow. I know you northerners laugh at us, but it is no joke down here – it gets dangerous. So I am ready to have my family and hunker down for the next few days if it hits.
So I should be showering to get to the grocery store right now, but there has been something that has been weighing on my mind since Friday. There was a conversation I had with a teacher on Friday and I feel like I need to share it – it could help so many people. Or even if it helps one, it will be worth writing this right now. (Also? I HATE grocery shopping, so this is more than a little self-serving.)
I was at in incredible school on Friday. Now, most schools are really awesome, it is true. But sometimes? You walk in and there is so much magic and love in the air, it is just extra amazing. This school was like that. There were signs welcoming me everywhere – “Hello Mrs. Michelle!” “We Believe!” “We are Bobs!” There were pictures of Bob and the Whatif Monsters EVERYWHERE! Every single kid in the school – kindergarten through fifth grade had on Whatif Monster ears. As I walked to the gym, children called out, “There she is!” “That’s the author!” “HELLO MRS. MICHELLE!!”
See? I have a magical life. Told ya so. 
The school had a pep rally before I spoke – talk about getting the energy UP! It was fantastical! When it was my turn I began by telling the kids and the teachers that not all schools are like this. I see this kind of love and what I can only describe as “homey” and “safe” in about 10-15% of the schools that I go to. Not that other schools are not fantastic, but there is just something ‘extra’ at certain schools. This school had it.
When I was done, I went to the library to meet for an hour with all the kids that had been chosen as student of the month from all grades since September. I was losing my voice and I talked to much to these kids that I had just about no voice when I stopped.
“What’s your favorite color?” Yellow because it makes me happy and reminds me of sunshine. But turquoise for painting because it only takes two coats.
“Do you like to watch tv?” I should say no, that it is a waste of time and that I read instead- but I do! I love it! I LOVE movies too! I love the world of the imagination and I love to watch what others make up.”
“What is your favorite food?” Probably anything Mexican or Italian.
“What is your favorite book?” Too many to name, but the ones that make me weep are always favorites – Charlotte’s Webb, Bridge to Terabithia, Because of Winn Dixie…” (They all gave me these sad, but knowing smiles and agreed.)
“My mom works at Dunkin Donuts down the street. She is the manager. She has on a red shirt. will you go by and say hello to her after school?” I would love to!
I could have kept going, but hey cut me off to go talk to some teachers in the lounge for a meet and greet there.
I got to the teacher’s lounge and was talking to the teachers. There are many adults that need to hear my message just as much as children and I often find teachers very excited to talk to me after – either to say that they realize they are living a magical life now or that they are inspired to start trying something. So generally, it is a lot of smiles and happiness. But there was this one woman in the background staring at me.
And this is why I am writing this post.
This woman looked like she wanted to put hot pokers in my eyes. Now, I know that is extreme, but I pick up very easily on people’s emotions and this woman? Oh, she wanted to kill me. She wanted me GONE. I could tell. I needed to know what was up with this woman shooting eye-daggers at me.
After the room got empty she looked at me and finally spoke. In a sharp, short tone she said, “So, I’m doing the math. Your kids are older now, right?”
“Yes, 17 and almost 16,” I answered.
She went on, “So when they were little, you stayed up late, just didn’t sleep?”
“Yes, I sometimes had just a few hours rest. That’s true.”
Now she got angry. If words could hit you, her next words would have hit me square in the face – hitting me hard, like sharp, tiny pieces of metal, “Just didn’t sleep. Yeah, right. You just stayed up all night and didn’t sleep.” The anger that came off of her was palpable – it was glowing of of her. She was hating me right now.
I was determined to get to the bottom of this. This woman clearly thought I was lying. She was so angry and accusatory with her words. I knew there was something else going on.
Calmly I said, “It’s true. I’m not lying to you. Yes, I often worked all day, then got my kids after school, did homework, made dinner, got them to bed then stayed up until 2, 3 sometimes 4 in the morning painting pet portraits. Do you think I’m lying?”
“I just don’t see how it’s actually possible.” Yes, she thought I was lying.
Finally I knew. I figured it out. First I said, “What do you want to do – that you can’t right now?”
She said, “Nothing. Well, I’m the art teacher. But I couldn’t do anything else in my free time because I don’t have any. Unless I want to stay up late, I suppose.”
“Do you want to illustrate? Paint your own art?”
I saw that the question was so painful she couldn’t even respond.
And then. Then I TRULY got it and asked, “Wait. How old are your kids?”
“I have a 20 month old.” she said, sounding exhausted just saying his age. “And then whispered, and I’m pregnant.”
“OHHHHH!!! Oh, sweet lady! Oh good lord! No WONDER you are looking at me like you want to kill me!” I said. “Do you want to know what I was doing when my son was 20 months old and I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter? I was crying in a corner. I was mourning the death of who I was, sure I would never, ever get ME back. I loved my kids, but my god no one tells you how HARD it is, or that you lose yourself and that you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel because you are just too exhausted to hold your head up that long. And here you are looking at this crazy artist lady telling you that you just need to stay up LATER, you just need to work HARDER, you just need to sleep LESS when all you want on God’s green earth is to sleep MORE, am I right?”
Finally she broke, “Yes. I’m just…so…tired… I love my son, I do, but I don’t even know who I am anymore. And with another coming?”
I stopped her. “You may not want to hear this, but if you hear it in the right way, it will help.” I tool a breath to say the next few painful sentences. “Now is not your time. Right now? It is your children’s time. It is time, for being exhausted and loving your kids and changing diapers and wiping mouths and wondering how on earth you will get through one more day of it after your kid has the stomach flu. It is about finding that one moment in the day that makes you know you can get up the next day and do it all over again – a smile from your baby, or the moment they finally go down for a nap and you can have a cup of coffee in complete and utter silence with no cartoons or voices asking you for something. Now? Is not for you. It is for them. But I PROMISE you, PROMISE you, your time will come back. You will have energy again, you will sleep again and your creative soul that is stuck inside of you crying? She will get to come out to play again. Promise, promise, promise! So please, stop feeling guilty that you are not doing it right, or you are not trying enough or that you are too lazy. You are a MOM. And that, right now? Is a beautiful, all-consuming, messy, chaotic, magical time-suck. And just live in it. Be present in it. Because right now? IS going to give you SO MUCH inspiration for who you will be later. And I won’t feed you that line of crap about how fast it goes, because if I do, I really think you might punch me in the face right now. (She smiled at that – I am pretty sure she would have punched me.) This magical life I have right now? Is BECAUSE I had kids. BECAUSE of who they made me. So stop. Stop feeling guilty and know that life is unfolding exactly how it should.”
And the look on her face? Well, let’s just say I didn’t feel like she wanted to pluck my eyeballs out anymore.
Moms and Dads out there? It all comes back. It does. but sometimes, for us mere mortals? Having babies and toddlers and wanting to be creative beings can me mutually exclusive. But it’s just for a short while. And know that the exhaustion and chaos and messiness all turns into inspiration and amazingness and magicalness. It does. Who you were before babies is nothing compared to who your babies help you discover you can be. Trust me. It’s true.
DISCLAIMER: (And for those of you that are thinking that I am saying having babies is not magical or that I am saying anything negative about having babies, it is QUITE the opposite. But this post is for the artists, the creative souls that suddenly don’t have time for what their souls NEEDS them to do. When you literally don’t have time for what makes your soul feel alive? And you realize it will be years before you have the time like you need again? That is hard. So very hard. You try to fit your creativity in into the cracks and the crevices of time – the tiny slivers of time left over just for you when you have little ones. And often when you find that sliver of time? You are too damn tired to actually create anything. This post is for the artist parents.)
