Was that speculum warm enough for you?

If I get one more survey email or phone call, I may move to a Hobbit cave without Internet or cable, or even satellite TV. Seriously, why is there a survey for EVERY SINGLE thing you buy or do? They even ask you to fill out surveys online when you go to the frigging grocery store. Believe me, if everything is NOT OK you will hear from me.

So, like I normally do when I am irritated, I started to imagine how far this whole survey thing will go. Will I start receiving surveys after medical appointments? If so, what will the questions be? Here are some possibilities. Let’s all hope I am wrong about this.

Gentlemen: There is a gynecologist section. You have been warned.

Mammogram:

Did the tech warn you not to move after placing your breasts in the vice grip, humoring you that you COULD move or even breathe?

How effective was that deodorant on a wipey nonsense we gave you? Are you thinking of maybe packing your own next time?

Gynecologist:

Was the speculum properly warmed before your exam? If not, did you curse, jump, or bite your lip?

Should we offer an open bar option with the vaginal ultrasound? Should we play a Barry White album?

Dentist:

Should we find a hygienist with smaller hands so you don’t leave the office feeling like you just swallowed a box of rubber gloves?

Do you feel like you actually chewed shards of glass or should we get sharper hooks?

Colonoscopy:

Did the prep allow you to catch up on an entire season of your favorite show, half a season, or were you too ill to open your eyes?

Do you remember any of the CRAZY crap you said in the recovery room? Has the FBI been to your house yet?

Optometrist:

Did the doctor actually kiss you during the examination, or were you just SO SURE he was about to?

Did you have to bury your head under pillows after we dilated your eyes, or were the paper sunglasses enough protection?

Can you just imagine? Where will it end? I don’t know about you, but I am refusing to answer any surveys from now on. This nonsense has to end. Just say no to answering questions.