Getting Fired in Freelancing

Sorry people, I just need to rant. As this is my online diary, this is the only place to do it.

Today I got a message, completely out of the blue, from a client I worked with for years, accusing me of being ‘unenthusiastic’ about her project. This was a client that I spent years working for, who hired me for 8 hours a week, and for whom I actually worked about twenty hours a week.

Freelancing can be an amazingly frustrating business.

See, I’m considered a ‘subject matter expert’ in something called search engine optimization. As a result, people expect miracles when they contact me. They expect me to make their sales go through the roof with a few clicks of a meta description and a few additional keywords.

I used to be able to buy these at the Jersey Shore for $12. But you can get yours for the low low price of $180.

Here’s the real deal people; I am only as good as your product is. For example, the chick who just fired me, she ran a jewelry website. I SEOd the hell out of that website. I fixed product descriptions, I updated blogs, I hired people for writing the site, and I fired people who didn’t meet the standard. I did everything I could, but there was one thing I couldn’t fix.

The fact that the jewelry she was selling was ugly as sin. I mean Jesus, when did people start thinking ‘handmade’ equals quality? My dog just took a poop on her doggy pad. If I picked up those poops (no way, I’m making my kid do it) and shoved a couple of fucking fish hooks in them, I could sell that on Etsy as ‘handmade’. That doesn’t mean anyone on the fucking planet would be willing to wear them.

And not only was this shit ugly, it was fucking expensive. Now, I have an MBA in business marketing, but  don’t need it to figure out this equation.

Ugly as sin + Incredibly expensive=no damn sales

Luckily, this is one of my early clients. When I started working, I charged about $12 for my work because I seriously undervalued myself. In short, this lady was paying me $100 per week for work that I charge most of my clients $540 per week for.

So you can see how entirely heartbroken I am about the loss of her business.

Is it bad form to bitch about a client on the internet? Probably so, but I don’t care. Because when someone undervalues the people that work for them so much that they wind up cutting off their own business, they also become the kind of people that fade into obscurity pretty damn quick. I.e. she has no following and I have a following in the 6 figure range. Simply stated, I’m an internet celebrity and nobody cares what she thinks.

So fuck you, former client. If you’re reading this now, you know who you are and you finally know what I think of your chintzy, shitty jewelry. How the fuck can you expect me to be passionate about your disposable product when you treat me like I’m disposable?