Stronger . . . and Weaker

I hear a lot of people talk about how glad they are that they went through difficult challenges because it made them stronger. They learned what they needed to learn about life. They are now able to do things they weren’t able to do before that they wanted to do. They’ve grown in spiritual dimensions.

It makes me wonder sometimes what is wrong with me. I’ve been through difficult things, but did they make me stronger? I am not entirely sure.

I can now run a mile in under 7 minutes. I can finish an Ironman distance triathlon. Surely that counts as being stronger, doesn’t it? It’s a measurable way of showing that I am stronger.

And yet—before, I didn’t need to do those things to feel good about myself. They were so far down my bucket list that I didn’t know they were there.

I know how to live through bad stuff better now that I did before. I know that some people can be counted on and some people can’t. You won’t always know which is which until the moment happens. I know that even the best of friends can only help for a little while, and for a little bit anyway. No one can really carry that burden for you.

But mostly what I have learned is that I am not as strong as I thought I was. Is that a kind of strength? Stuff can happen that will break me, at least for a while. Maybe a long while. I can’t stop it from happening. I can’t be smart enough or good enough or strong enough to make sure that the bad stuff doesn’t come my way. It will come.

So am I stronger than I was before? Or just more aware of the weaknesses?

It feels like I have more weaknesses than I did before, but it’s possible that I’m only more aware of them now. For some of the weaknesses, that is true.

But I also think there are parts in me that are wounded, that I don’t think will ever be whole again. I know how to hide them. I know how to protect them. I know how to work around them.

Mostly, I think that I am a different person than I was before, more adapted to the conditions of my now-life than my then-life. Not better, not worse, just different.