God, Please Don’t Make Me Be Alone Forever
Before I left on my year-long, 50-state road trip, the one thing that scared me the most was that—if I really gave up everything to go after what I wanted, I would end up being alone forever.
As in, I would never find a husband.
Photo Credit: Challot, Creative Commons
It seems laughable to me now.
The logic doesn’t even make sense. But, at the time, this was my train of thought: if I were to quit my full-time job, move out of my apartment, and sell all of my physical possessions to go on this crazy journey, no self-respecting guy would be able to take me seriously.
I eventually got over my fear and decided to go, but before I took the final leap, I prayed:
Okay, God, I’ll go. But please don’t make me be alone forever.
I laugh now, looking back, both because my the very thing I thought would deter a guy from sharing his life with me was the precise piece of information which piqued my husband’s interest (he read my story on a friend’s blog and said to himself: “I have to meet that girl.”) and also because I can’t believe of all the energy I wasted worrying about my future.
One the one hand, I totally get it.
Mostly because I waste energy worrying about similar things now. Should we have kids, or shouldn’t we? When should we start? Will having kids prevent me from pursing my writing career? Does that bother me?
Should I buy organic, or is the cheap stuff okay? If I spend money on organic products, am I being wasteful? Is the money going to run out? Will God always provide?
Then, time passes, and I always have what I need—and most of what I want—and I always look back and think to myself: Why did I spend so much energy worrying about that? In the moment it feels important. It seems like energy well-spent. It almost feels like I’m protecting myself from harm.
But when I look back on the problem from a distance, I always realize what a tremendous waste of energy it was to worry over any of it. And, what could I have done with that energy if I hadn’t misused it?
Recently I was talking to a friend over coffee, and I had an epiphany about this.
We were talking about worry, and the space it takes up in our lives, and she was sharing something with me that made her feel particularly worried. As she talked, I could see the worry in her eyes, and yet it seemed so obvious to me that her worry was misplaced (it’s so much easier think objectively about the circumstances of others than it is to think objectively about our own).
But my observation helped me with my own worry problem.
Suddenly it occurred to me: If I spent half the energy I usually spent worrying about the future, and used it to prepare for the future instead— I would be so much better off.
By that I mean, if I took the energy I usually spend avoiding pain, setbacks, failure, injury, sadness and difficulty and I reinvested that energy in learning how to respond in the face of those things—I would worry less, grow more, and truly be strong enough to face whatever life brought my way.
That sounds a little complicated, but here’s what I mean.
What if, instead of investing so much energy worrying about what would happen if I ended up “alone,” I would have invested that energy in relationships with people right around me—and in trying to figure out why I thought a husband would fix my problems.
That would have not only improved my life in the waiting, it would have improved my marriage.
The impact would have been far-reaching.
What if, instead of worrying about running out of money, we invested the energy into creating a budget, so we actually know where our money is going?
What if, instead of worrying what will happen if we fail someday, we reminded ourselves that failure is inevitable, and spent our energy learning what it looks like to respond to failure with wisdom and grace?
How would that change you—how would it change your life—both now and into the future?
My guess is the impact would be far-reaching.
I’m not sure what you’re worrying about these days—
But my guess is the list isn’t short. Life is full of things that seem worth worrying over, and worry seems to get us around the throat sometimes and convince us that we can’t let it go.
But we can. I’m doing it. And I’m discovering freedom, joy and peace that passes understanding.
Will you join me?
The post God, Please Don’t Make Me Be Alone Forever appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.
