Intern Needed. Sane Need Not Apply.

I need an intern. 

Duties will include: 
Freshening drinks. 
Freshening metaphors. 
Petting cats/dogs when my hands are typing. 
Determining if plot twists are too twisted. 
Helping me choose which caftan to wear. 
Keeping me from drunk eBaying. 
Sharing pizza so I don’t eat the whole thing. 
Stopping me from shin-kicking people. 
Posting bail when I can't be stopped.

Please apply in the comments section. No monetary compensation, but you will receive enough fodder for cocktail party conversation for years to come and gain a deep understanding of opossums.