Advice: Let’s Be Kind

Have you ever been a recipient of unwanted advice? It happens to me sometimes. Not often enough that I’m prepared for it, but just often enough that when it does happen, it throws me. Most of this unwanted advice is from moms. Here’s a scenario I witnessed on the playground recently. These moms are not friends, just acquaintances who know each other because their kids go to the same school.

Mom #1: Johnny is still not potty-trained, and he’s four!

Mom #2: Mine was potty-trained at 22 months. You just have to take the diapers away. Be tough.

Mom #3: That will traumatize him. Just be supportive. He will get it eventually.

Okay, first of all, did this mom ask for advice? No. She was venting, just talking to moms she thought might “get it.” Secondly, was the advice at all helpful? No, because it was completely contradictory. Does she listen to Mom #2 or Mom #3?

What she really needs to hear is “It’s tough being a mom. You’re doing okay.” Because the truth is that none of us is in another mom’s home. We don’t know what their situation is. Maybe the husband and wife fight a lot, and the child is stressed from the conflict and taking longer than average to potty train because of it. Maybe this kid is the sort who, when pushed, regresses. Maybe this kid is the type who does really well when challenged to do something new.

I’m not perfect. I like to give advice too. We all do because it makes us feel smart. Sometimes when we’re giving advice we are, in effect, bragging about how our own kids didn’t have that problem (and are perfect) or how we were super mom (and a better mom than you) in solving it.

In other words, what’s wrong with you Mom #1 that your kid isn’t perfect? What’s wrong with you, Mom #1, that you have this problem? But maybe nothing is wrong with her. Maybe she’s doing the best she can without help from her husband, with a fulltime job, and with a high-maintenance child. Maybe she doesn’t need our advice, but our support.

A few months ago I was slammed on Facebook for something I posted related to my daughter. Again, hadn’t been asking for advice, but boy did I get it. People who don’t know me or my child in real life jumped all over me. It was my bad for posting what I did, and I took my medicine. I won’t make that mistake again. A friend of mine had the same thing happen to her a few weeks later. She asked if she should just delete the post. I said yes. We moms are vulnerable enough without being pummeled by “friends.”

So what I’ve been trying to do since that incident is to practice what I preach. When a mom says something, and I’m tempted to give advice, I don’t say anything right away. I let her keep talking, or I say something neutral. I try to be supportive, even if I don’t necessarily agree 100% with what the parent is doing. If a mom does ask me for advice, I give it but also try to support the mom working through the issue. She may not want to take my suggestion. That’s fine. I still support her.

Moms, is there anything you’re working on? Anything you want to put into practice in your daily lives?

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