Oct 2 2013. LIFE IN THE PREMIERSHIP

People think the life of a Premiership footballer is cushy but it just isn’t so. Take it from me. People think that apart from match days we just, like, you know, train every morning and then have the rest of the day off. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Well obviously.We’re a bit like teachers, you know, in that respect. Like people think teachers just start work at nine in the morning, you know, and work till three in the afternoon and that’s, like, it. They forget that teachers have to spend hours and hours doing all the marking and that, you know, and planning the kids’ lessons. Well obviously.And it’s like,like, that with footballers. People think that apart from training every morning we don’t have any other responsibilities, you know, there isn’t like nothing else we have to do. They conveniently forget we have to go shopping every afternoon. Well obviously.Weekends as well if we haven’t got a game or we’re on the injury list. In fact most Premiership footballers have to spend more time shopping than they do training, I know I do. And it’s bloody hard work too – you try getting through a hundred grand every week, it isn’t easy, mate, I can tell you. All right, I suppose you could, like, take the easy way out and buy a car every week that costs a hundred grand, which wouldn’t take up too much of your time, granted, well obviously, but even if you filled your four-car garage then filled up the extensive grounds of your mansion with cars it wouldn’t be very long before you couldn’t move for bleeding cars, I know mate because I’ve done it, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Buying a hundred grand car every week only lasts about twenty weeks before you’re up to the arse in cars then you have to think of other things you can spend your wonga on. I mean, like, we’ve already got a swimming pool, well obviously, so I can’t spend anything on a swimming pool, you know, unless I was to make the one we’ve already got bigger or have another one built for the kids, but I can’t do that as we haven’t got any more room because of all the bloody cars. Keeping another couple of cars in the swimming pool would get rid of another two hundred grand I suppose but two weeks later I’d have the same problem, innit. I learned that when I put the first two cars in the swimming pool. That just leaves buying things for the house and designer clobber for me and the wife. But how many Agas can you have? We’ve already got five, six when we’ve had one put on the landing next week, I mean there just isn’t room for any more and at eight grand a pop that’s only forty eight grand which isn’t even half a week’s wage. Well obviously. And we’ve already got, like, wood panelled walls throughout, you know, six chandeliers in every room and more settees than The Land of fucking Leather. And how much clobber can you buy? I’m luckier than most because Tracey Michelle Sharon can spend for England, you know, but even Tracey Michelle Sharon finds it hard to get through more than twenty grand a week, but even if she could there’s nowhere to put it because our bedroom, the billiards room, the conservatory, the greenhouse, the potting shed and the gazebo are already full to overflowing with her and my bling and clobber stuff and we can’t put any in the walk-in wardrobe because there’s a car in there. No, as I say, the life of a Premiership footballer is a lot harder than people think. You know. Well obviously.

 

Extracted from The Razzamatazz Fun ebook.

 

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