Write Events in Their Logical Order

I was recently editing a novel and came across a recurring problem I thought would make a good, informative post about fiction writing. Here’s an example of what I want to address. John yelped as Mitch smacked him hard across the jaw while he was watching his baby sister.  This sentence poses several problems for the fiction editor and the reader. Do you see what’s wrong with it? First, way too much is going on in this sentence. 1. John yelps. 2. Mitch smacks John hard across the jaw. 3. And one of the guys is watching his baby sister, but we don’t know which one because “he” is unclear. Who’s the babysitter—John or Mitch? A lot of beginning writers think they can join all sorts of details using the word and as if the word were Scotch tape. Technically, this is true—the sentence may make fine grammatical sense. But if…