Not Competing Anymore
Well, it's happened again. An issue has come up, one that is very near and dear to my heart, and I am now going to pontificate a little. Okay, maybe a lot. Okay, okay, the truth is I'm going to rant and I hope that when I'm done you'll understand why I've decided I'm not competing anymore.
My husband often tells me when I've had a bad day that men have it so much easier than women. They don't have to deal with "Aunt Flow" or whichever euphamism you use for the monthly cycle. They don't generally have women stare at their crotch in the same way uncouth men and teenage boys stare at a woman's bust.They don't bear children or deal with pregnancy, beyond being a supportive and loving partner.
Usually when my sweetheart points out how easy men have it, I laugh it off. But today, I'd probably agree with him. Men, while typically more competitive than women, are not being caught up in the middle of a raging war of competition in what their role in life ought to be. Men are pretty unanimous in their role as a breadwinner, though the occasional stay-at-home dad is either frowned at or applauded depending on who comments. But I don't see them making a huge ruckus over whether they work, what type of job they have, or how often they travel/adventure. It just doesn't seem exist for them.
But for the past several decades, longer than I've even been alive, women have been thrown against each other in the battle of feminism. It has only gotten worse with the advent of social media. Every thing we do is subject to this battle. I've heard my mom talk about what it was like for her in the early and mid-eighties when this battle reached an all-time high. She told me once that I couldn't possibly imagine what is was like to be looked down on so as a stay-at-home wife and mother. "And I hope you never do," she told me. "People still think women should be strong and able to do anything, but it seems to have toned down."
Sorry Mom, having read this article, I think I understand better what you meant. I've never felt so put down, so despised by another woman before. It would be one thing if this was from a man. His opinion really wouldn't phase me much because as a man, he really holds no weight with the subject. It's the fact that this is from another woman. The fact that this woman seems to honestly and truly believe that to be a stay-at-home mother, or really a mother and wife at all, is to waste your life. The author's attitude towards marriage and motherhood is offensive, appalling and hurtful. For the first time, I understood what my mother had been saying.
The friend who shared the article is a young mom like me. Younger in fact. She is a beautiful young woman who has traveled, and is now working along side her husband to support their young family. I look up to her as a strong woman, capable and sure of herself and following her dream. She shared the article and commented that she plans on writing a blog post response and I can't wait to see what she has to say. But I wanted to respond as well.
As women we've been told that we can have it all. We can do anything a man can do and you better believe we can do it better, or you're just cowing to male supremacy. The term hausfrau, the beautiful German word which best translated would be stay-at-home wife, instead of being the endearing word that it was in its root became a word of derision. Women have been pulled into a battle of whether it was best to be a stay-at-home mother or a working mother. Either way you chose you were heralded by some and put down by others.
And now this woman would have us believe that if you are a wife or mother you've suddenly lowered your standards to being unworthy of anything. It doesn't matter if you stay home, it doesn't matter if you work. You are suddenly lower than dust because you got married and had a family.
STOP!!!
As women we have been given divine gifts from a loving God. Even if you don't believe in God, there are many feminine traits that lend themselves to nurturing, loving, and compassion. Traits which are predominately held by women. It doesn't mean that all women are cut out to be mothers any more than it means that a man cannot be compassionate. A woman can't be everything a man can be because she is not a man. Women can't do everything men can do better because we are not men. And we shouldn't have to be.
I find that having read the article I don't feel angry with the author as much as I feel sorry for her. She seems to have missed what being a woman can really be. The word feminism has been so altered by the movement of the same name that we've forgotten what it actually means. The word feminism refers not to becoming like men or being equal with men. Feminism means like a woman. It means becoming a better woman. It means embracing our feminine traits and using them for good.
For some of us, that means becoming mothers. I'll admit it. I would get a lot more done if I didn't have children. It's true. I would probably have already finished the entire "Charming Academy" series. I'd probably have the resources to really market it and get it into bestseller's lists. Yeah, I'd be able to travel if I chose and go on adventures. But that's not what makes my life so fulfilling.
I find fulfillment in my children. Yes, some of my writing time gets put off to build with Duplos. Some of it gets put off to take care of a sick child who needs me. Some of it goes away as I help my husband. But I wouldn't trade one precious moment with my children for all the bestselling novels in the world. I wouldn't trade a single evening with my husband for the most exotic dream vacation. My husband and children are my life. I love them with every fiber of my being. Their joys and successes bring me satisfaction, knowing that I helped them get there. Their pains and sorrows cut me to the quick as I try to find ways of filling their needs.
I'm not a brain surgeon. Neither are you, Miss Glass. I've never saved a life. But neither have you. I have filled my life with fulfilling relationships. I have made my own life, as simple and unpretentious as it may be, into an adventure. I've turned simple things into the extraordinary. I've brought life into this world. While I am not a brain surgeon or a doctor or a soldier or a traveler, my children could be. My children, the lives that I have brought into this world, could change the future. They can make this world a better place. But some have to choose to be mothers in order for life to continue. And don't forget, Miss Glass, the only reason you are here to write your embittered article is because a woman chose to be a mother.
Empowerment does not come from tearing others down. True empowerment comes from building up those around us. We as women whether we have children or don't, whether married or single, whether we are wealthy or poor, young or old, have the opportunity and responsibility to build each other up. What you choose to do with your life does not make you more important or influential than I am. It also doesn't make you less than what I am. Your life is yours and I will not try to tell you what to do with it. But don't you dare tear me down for choosing to be a wife and mother. This is my life. It's fulfilling, it's important, it's an adventure. But most important, it's MY life. I cannot imagine that you honestly find fulfillment in your life if you feel the need to tear women down so. But I hope that you do find fulfillment in your own ways. But allow me the same courtesy.
And even if you don't, it really doesn't matter. I'm happy with my life and nothing you say can change that. But for the ladies out there, let's have less competition and more compassion. There are enough demands on our time without adding one that is so detrimental to our minds, bodies and spirits. Love is a far more fulfilling emotion than disdain. Let us love one another.
My husband often tells me when I've had a bad day that men have it so much easier than women. They don't have to deal with "Aunt Flow" or whichever euphamism you use for the monthly cycle. They don't generally have women stare at their crotch in the same way uncouth men and teenage boys stare at a woman's bust.They don't bear children or deal with pregnancy, beyond being a supportive and loving partner.
Usually when my sweetheart points out how easy men have it, I laugh it off. But today, I'd probably agree with him. Men, while typically more competitive than women, are not being caught up in the middle of a raging war of competition in what their role in life ought to be. Men are pretty unanimous in their role as a breadwinner, though the occasional stay-at-home dad is either frowned at or applauded depending on who comments. But I don't see them making a huge ruckus over whether they work, what type of job they have, or how often they travel/adventure. It just doesn't seem exist for them.
But for the past several decades, longer than I've even been alive, women have been thrown against each other in the battle of feminism. It has only gotten worse with the advent of social media. Every thing we do is subject to this battle. I've heard my mom talk about what it was like for her in the early and mid-eighties when this battle reached an all-time high. She told me once that I couldn't possibly imagine what is was like to be looked down on so as a stay-at-home wife and mother. "And I hope you never do," she told me. "People still think women should be strong and able to do anything, but it seems to have toned down."
Sorry Mom, having read this article, I think I understand better what you meant. I've never felt so put down, so despised by another woman before. It would be one thing if this was from a man. His opinion really wouldn't phase me much because as a man, he really holds no weight with the subject. It's the fact that this is from another woman. The fact that this woman seems to honestly and truly believe that to be a stay-at-home mother, or really a mother and wife at all, is to waste your life. The author's attitude towards marriage and motherhood is offensive, appalling and hurtful. For the first time, I understood what my mother had been saying.
The friend who shared the article is a young mom like me. Younger in fact. She is a beautiful young woman who has traveled, and is now working along side her husband to support their young family. I look up to her as a strong woman, capable and sure of herself and following her dream. She shared the article and commented that she plans on writing a blog post response and I can't wait to see what she has to say. But I wanted to respond as well.
As women we've been told that we can have it all. We can do anything a man can do and you better believe we can do it better, or you're just cowing to male supremacy. The term hausfrau, the beautiful German word which best translated would be stay-at-home wife, instead of being the endearing word that it was in its root became a word of derision. Women have been pulled into a battle of whether it was best to be a stay-at-home mother or a working mother. Either way you chose you were heralded by some and put down by others.
And now this woman would have us believe that if you are a wife or mother you've suddenly lowered your standards to being unworthy of anything. It doesn't matter if you stay home, it doesn't matter if you work. You are suddenly lower than dust because you got married and had a family.
STOP!!!
As women we have been given divine gifts from a loving God. Even if you don't believe in God, there are many feminine traits that lend themselves to nurturing, loving, and compassion. Traits which are predominately held by women. It doesn't mean that all women are cut out to be mothers any more than it means that a man cannot be compassionate. A woman can't be everything a man can be because she is not a man. Women can't do everything men can do better because we are not men. And we shouldn't have to be.
I find that having read the article I don't feel angry with the author as much as I feel sorry for her. She seems to have missed what being a woman can really be. The word feminism has been so altered by the movement of the same name that we've forgotten what it actually means. The word feminism refers not to becoming like men or being equal with men. Feminism means like a woman. It means becoming a better woman. It means embracing our feminine traits and using them for good.
For some of us, that means becoming mothers. I'll admit it. I would get a lot more done if I didn't have children. It's true. I would probably have already finished the entire "Charming Academy" series. I'd probably have the resources to really market it and get it into bestseller's lists. Yeah, I'd be able to travel if I chose and go on adventures. But that's not what makes my life so fulfilling.
I find fulfillment in my children. Yes, some of my writing time gets put off to build with Duplos. Some of it gets put off to take care of a sick child who needs me. Some of it goes away as I help my husband. But I wouldn't trade one precious moment with my children for all the bestselling novels in the world. I wouldn't trade a single evening with my husband for the most exotic dream vacation. My husband and children are my life. I love them with every fiber of my being. Their joys and successes bring me satisfaction, knowing that I helped them get there. Their pains and sorrows cut me to the quick as I try to find ways of filling their needs.
I'm not a brain surgeon. Neither are you, Miss Glass. I've never saved a life. But neither have you. I have filled my life with fulfilling relationships. I have made my own life, as simple and unpretentious as it may be, into an adventure. I've turned simple things into the extraordinary. I've brought life into this world. While I am not a brain surgeon or a doctor or a soldier or a traveler, my children could be. My children, the lives that I have brought into this world, could change the future. They can make this world a better place. But some have to choose to be mothers in order for life to continue. And don't forget, Miss Glass, the only reason you are here to write your embittered article is because a woman chose to be a mother.
Empowerment does not come from tearing others down. True empowerment comes from building up those around us. We as women whether we have children or don't, whether married or single, whether we are wealthy or poor, young or old, have the opportunity and responsibility to build each other up. What you choose to do with your life does not make you more important or influential than I am. It also doesn't make you less than what I am. Your life is yours and I will not try to tell you what to do with it. But don't you dare tear me down for choosing to be a wife and mother. This is my life. It's fulfilling, it's important, it's an adventure. But most important, it's MY life. I cannot imagine that you honestly find fulfillment in your life if you feel the need to tear women down so. But I hope that you do find fulfillment in your own ways. But allow me the same courtesy.
And even if you don't, it really doesn't matter. I'm happy with my life and nothing you say can change that. But for the ladies out there, let's have less competition and more compassion. There are enough demands on our time without adding one that is so detrimental to our minds, bodies and spirits. Love is a far more fulfilling emotion than disdain. Let us love one another.
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