Unteachable: The Reading: The Results.
YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.
So I finally sat down with my fellow menace to sincerity, Dahlia Adler, and listened to all of your entries for the Unteachable Read-Aloud Contest of Ultimate Doom ‘n Stuff, and as Wesley Brown would say…you are all VERY talented.
I’m gonna cut right to the chase and give you our chat transcript as we listened to these. Enjoy. I know we did. And I’m not culling the us-struggling-with-technology bits because they’re funny so deal with it.
Pre-Show Banter
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DAHLIA: Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret.
LEAH: lololol hi
DAHLIA: I thought you wanted to skype. I got dressed up in my best pajamas.
LEAH: Yeah, this is easier than google+ hangouts or whatever the fuck they were trying to send me to
Dude wat. Are you cray cray
DAHLIA: You’re hilariously bad at technology
LEAH: I am NOT
YOU are bad at technology
DAHLIA: Why am *I* bad at technology?
LEAH: Because you’re a bitch.
DAHLIA: If the cray cray is about the pajamas, I was kidding. If it’s about the skype, you literally said skype.
Takes one to know one
Which is what I would’ve said in 2004
back when I used Facebook chat unironically
LEAH: lul
Okay, let me send you all these files, sec.
You’re gonna need something that can play AMR files cuz one of them is an AMR
videolan.org player works
DAHLIA: If you’re somehow making me download porn I am only a little bit amused
LEAH: Dahlia
I would not even have to trick you into downloading porn, be honest
Entry #1
After some more flailing about (and Dahlia being a horrible person, because she’s good at that), we finally got to Entry #1: Ami!
/misc/ut_reading_contest/ami.m4a
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LEAH: Okay, this is cute.
DAHLIA: Right?
LEAH: OH MY GOD THAT TWANG
DAHLIA: THAT IS WHAT I’M SAYING
I’m sorry but she does “he fucked me slowly” realllly well
LEAH: I like cannot even deal with how good this is
DAHLIA: “Evvvverywhere”
LEAH: “So garlish and young”
DAHLIA: You are so halfway to orgasm right now
LEAH: I just want to hug her
If she wasn’t saying the filthiest shit
DAHLIA: “innnsiiiide ouuut”
LEAH: Like who even wrote this
DAHLIA: hahahaha
LEAH: Some pervert who should be locked up
DAHLIA: SLUTMONGER LEAH RAEDER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
LEAH: hey fuck you
“All. Of him. Inside me.” ooooooooomg
DAHLIA: “You start feeling crazy things when you’re close.”
Orrrr when you’re listening to this
LEAH: “Evvvvvvvvery place” okay she wins
Everyone else go home
DAHLIA: hahahaha
“So. Fucking. Slow.”
I mean, sorry, no one’s beating that.
Beating off to that, maybe.
LEAH: She should have her own erotic chat hotline, she’d be rich
DAHLIA: Ummm, it would just be us calling her every night
LEAH: Pretty much
DAHLIA: But yeah, that’d probably put her kids through college
LEAH: Fulcrums!
*STANDING OVATION*
Gonna be fucking hard to top that.
DAHLIA: I’m sorry, both of your hands are free to clap?
Maybe I’m not doing this right.
LEAH: How are you even typing right now then?
Don’t say with your nose
DON’T
Entry #2
As you can see, my fellow judge is horrible in every way. After pulling herself together, we moved on to Entry #2, Cam!
/misc/ut_reading_contest/cam.mp3
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LEAH: Oh.my.god. Dat accent.
DAHLIA: You are the biggest accent whore in existence
LEAH: ikr
Italian vs. Aussie deathmatch, who will win? I DON’T EVEN KNOW I LOVE THEM BOTH
I love how her H’s are just barely there
DAHLIA: I feel like you have to write a new character for this accent.
LEAH: Italian femme fatale?
DAHLIA: I’d do that
Ummmmm READ that
That is what I meant.
LEAH: She knocks men dead just by speaking
I want her to read everything in my house to me
Like cereal boxes, shampoo, etc.
Because I have no print books anymore
DAHLIA: Oh my God, “cre-a-ture.” That was amazing.
LEAH: I KNOW
DAHLIA: I just want her to say that word to me for an hour
LEAH: hahahaha
DAHLIA: I cannot wait to hear how she says fulcrums.
LEAH: “Ree-DEEK-you-luss”
DAHLIA: “di-a-mond”
LEAH: Italians win at everything ever
DAHLIA: Why do I bother with Americans?
What is even the point of us?
LEAH: We’re just here to make Europeans look better
Okay, that was adorable
DAHLIA: For real. Not exactly Maise-y, but I think you’ve just found a LI for NACR3.
LEAH: Not even the voice *I* read in sounds like the Maise in my head. So I’m not expecting any of these to.
DAHLIA: I feel like Ami’s is the closest voice to what I had in my head.
For no good reason, really, since she should sound Midwestern.
LEAH: Well, Southern IL is kind of a mix between Southern and Midwestern accents
And depending on the person it can be VERY Southern, or not at all
Entry #3
After that charming entry, we moved on to our first male reader, Jason…
/misc/ut_reading_contest/jason.mp3
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LEAH: OH HELLO MR. DEEP VOICE
So the first thing I’m thinking is that this guy should narrate documentaries
DAHLIA: Ummmm…deep voice is working for me, yes.
LEAH: This is so hot
DAHLIA: Aaaaand so is re-hearing this all as m/m.
LEAH: And it’s weird because this is Lindsay’s boyfriend so I shouldn’t say anything lol
DAHLIA: hahaha I was wondering if it was that Jason but I so, so didn’t wanna know
LEAH: If she ever breaks up with him I’m calling dibs
JAY KAY
anyway this is fucking hot
DAHLIA: This is absurdly, absurdly hot
LEAH: WHOA
“*THIS* IS WHERE I WANTED TO BE *FUCKED*”
oh
my
god
DAHLIA: Oh my God YES
LEAH: Jason what are you doing to us
DAHLIA: This is horrible in that all I want is for you to rewrite UT as m/m RTFN
LEAH: This is like a voiceover for a World of Warcraft cinematic but reading erotica
I’m picturing dragons swooping over a charred battlefield and then two random people fucking
okay so that was…
I haven’t smoked in 8 years but I think I need a cigarette
DAHLIA: I’ve never smoked, ever, and I will join you.
LEAH: *fans self*
DAHLIA: I’m back on the American train, but now I do not understand the point or necessity of women.
LEAH: Women are soft and they have boobs
Then there’s Jason
Ohhhhhh, Jason
DAHLIA: Jason and Evan
LEAH: LOL
DAHLIA: I am Team Jevan
LEAH: Jason would totally be the top
Evan would be the bottom
DAHLIA: I don’t know, Jason sounded pretty content to bottom right there
Role reversal!
LEAH: Let’s move on to Jen before I need to change my clothes
Entry #4
It’s sort of unfair to make anyone go next after that, but Jen surprised us with her absolute adorableness.
/misc/ut_reading_contest/jen.mp3
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LEAH: Awwww, she sounds super cute already
DAHLIA: Aw, cute!
LEAH: OMG SHE SOUNDS LIKE ELLEN PAGE A LITTLE
DAHLIA: Oh God, she sounds so young, which is so perfect
hahaha why are you even wearing clothes anymore, just don’t bother, you’re done
LEAH: I love how she said the candles/drug house lines
DAHLIA: Yessss immediately thought “OK, SHE sounds like Maise!”
LEAH: OMG SUCH AN ELLEN PAGE VIBE I CAN’T HANDLE IT
DAHLIA: “Not tonight”
LEAH: Dramatic pause
Nice touch
DAHLIA: She is totally the Maise-i-est
She just sounds so young
LEAH: Like super smart and young and kinda cynical and yet obviously into it
DAHLIA: Also, props for *opting* for the masturbation scene
LEAH: OVARIES OF STEEL ON THIS WOMAN
DAHLIA: Liiiike, I’m kinda wondering if she’s actually doing it?
LEAH: Oh I love the run-on sentence
DAHLIA: It’s like watching Crazy Eyes on OITNB and you’re like “Waaaait, is she ACTUALLY crazy IRL?”
LEAH: LOL
OH SHIT
“THIS MAY-UN IN MAH HAY-UD”
DAHLIA: Ummm I feel filthy
LEAH: lol me too
Are we bad people?
I mean, obviously yes. But for this?
DAHLIA: I think we’re only bad if we actually get off to this, right?
LEAH: Okay I’ll go with that
DAHLIA: I mean, we’re pretty objectively terrible people.
LEAH: I don’t know how anyone stands us
DAHLIA: But they *definitely* signed on for this.
LEAH: They did, the fools
DAHLIA: I’m pretty impressed that we stand each other
LEAH: Throw in enough lesbian subtext and I’ll stand anyone
DAHLIA: Well that’s flattering
Entry #5
So I am also a horrible person, apparently. AND SPEAKING OF HORRIBLE PEOPLE—kidding. Our second male victim, Adam, is up next. Adam also surprised us by doing a creative twist on the reading…
/misc/ut_reading_contest/adam.mp3
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LEAH: Okay so huh
This is Evan’s POV
DAHLIA: Yup
LEAH: “EVANGELINE”
LOLOLOL
ohhhhhhhhhhhh my god
I mean, this kinda works
Even though it isn’t exactly what I had in my mind
DAHLIA: Right?
It’s certainly an interesting approach
LEAH: Oh hey
“I wanted to be in every part of her” yeah that is kinda hot
DAHLIA: Evvvvery part of her
Bonus points for the aggressive “fucked”
LEAH: His voice is so deep it’s like he’s not even a real person
DAHLIA: OK, that “So fucking slow” was…yeah. I’ll take two.
LEAH: It’s interesting how the two guys read this much more aggressively than the girls did
DAHLIA: I love how you can actually hear his enjoyment growing
LEAH: Yeah
He is TOTALLY getting into this
I feel like a voyeur
DAHLIA: But like he wants us to
LEAH: Well, that was different and interesting. Bonus points for being creative!
DAHLIA: Yes! And I’m the last one who’ll ever complain about a more…aggressive read.
LEAH: You know, both Adam and Jason are making me want to write from a guy’s POV someday
DAHLIA: *pre-orders three signed copies inscribed with filthy subtext*
LEAH: lolol
OKAY
It is gonna be hard as fuck to pick one, but I have to go with the one that gave me the most visceral reaction, soooooooooooo
DAHLIA: I for real do not even know anymore
LEAH: I know, I’m like–BUT THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD AND I LOVE THEM
Oh wait we didn’t listen to mine yet
Let’s listen to mine
for the lulz
ready?
RAEdy?
har har
kill me
DAHLIA: hahahahaha you loser ilu
Entry #6
As promised, I did one, too. And it’s bad. (ALSO TOTALLY LIED ABOUT GOING FIRST HAHAHA SUCKERS)
/misc/ut_reading_contest/leah.mp3
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LEAH: OKAY NOW FOR SOME PERSON NAMED “LEAH RAEDER” WHO SOUNDS LIKE A TOTAL TOOL
So obviously we have a 12-year-old here
So this is illegal and wrong
I hate my voice so much
It never sounds the way it does in my head
DAHLIA: Hahaha I love it
LEAH: “OH HAY GUISE I’M A TOTAL LUSH BUT I DIDN’T DRINK TODAY LOLZ ALCOHOLISM IS FUNNAY”
DAHLIA: Spoiler alert: You do not make an ass of yourself
LEAH: Spoiler alert: Dahlia is a bitch
DAHLIA: I want to see the blushing
LEAH: I’m blushing even listening to this jerkwad talking
Just shut up Leah you suck
DAHLIA: I love how you lose it at “hot”
Juuuuust a little
LEAH: I was struggling not to laugh for the rest of this
DAHLIA: I love that “I love that”
LEAH: O I C WUT U DID THAR
DAHLIA: and the laugh, obvi
That you are literally the only one who could not do it without laughing
LEAH: RIGHT?
The author failed her own challenge
ahahaha the length of him
Measuring words are funny
DAHLIA: That “oh my fucking God” is literally my favorite part of anything ever
LEAH: Dude how am I even going to write sex scenes in my second book
I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the universe
DAHLIA: Umm I think you’ll be just fine. I will happily talk you through it.
LEAH: No that’s okay
DAHLIA: I love “Fuck me, I said again” said as if someone is holding a gun to your head
LEAH: I feel like I talk kinda fast
DAHLIA: A little fast, but I feel like Maise’s brain works kinda fast, so it fits
LEAH: Seriously though, like how am I even going to do the (spoiler) scenes if I can’t even deal with two people going at it
DAHLIA: Umm…two bottles of alcohol simultaneously?
LEAH: It’s so obvious, why didn’t I see it
DAHLIA: I just burst out laughing at that crack-up
LEAH: I was on the verge of a laugh for the whole last minute of this
DAHLIA: “so fucking slow”
yeah
LEAH: FUHLLLLLLCRUMS
DAHLIA: FULCRUMS
LEAH: hahaha
DAHLIA: FULCRUMS 4EVA
LEAH: LEAH RAEDER Y U USE SAT WORDS IN YR PORNO BOOK THEY R 2 BIG
Anyway thank god that’s over
DAHLIA: Oh, yeah, thank god. No way I’m gonna listen to any of those again later and tomorrow and this weekend.
LEAH: Or right now
*clicks Jason’s repeatedly*
DAHLIA: Sorry I couldn’t hear you over all of them.
LEAH: Man, if I was not terrible at music I would so do an autotuned remix of these
DAHLIA: Why is Jason not narrating gay porn as we speak?
LEAH: Why is Jason not narrating our lives?
DAHLIA: Does he narrate Lindsay’s? Because if so then let’s revisit that thing where I am Lindsay.
LEAH: LOL
BTW, Jason gets my vote for winner. I love you all but that man…moved me.
DAHLIA: Aaah I’m so torn between Ami and Jason! Because that southern accent…yeeeeah. That…was…good.
LEAH: I would totally make out with Ami’s entry
All of them, really
DAHLIA: I would probably round 3rd with it.
LEAH: How do you even do that with an audio file?
DAHLIA: How *don’t* you?
LEAH: …
DAHLIA: And that’s why it pays to be good at technology.
LEAH: All right, Adler. Pick one.
DAHLIA: Aah, dammit. I feel like if I’m between the two, and you’re going with Jason, then that makes him the winner, right?
With Ami getting an extremely dishonorable mention.
LEAH: hahaha
That works
DAHLIA: But this was hard!
That’s what she said!
LEAH: ba-dum-tshhhhhh
DAHLIA: Anyway, it’s just great to know that if we ever decide to screw this whole writing thing and open some sort of phone sex emporium, we have an entire talented staff on hand.
LEAH: Wait, you’re right. Why the fuck am I even writing? *gives up and starts a phone sex emporium*
DAHLIA: *calls* *repeatedly*
And the winner is…
You guys were all absurdly good. Seriously. I Jason (#3) eked out ahead. Congratulations, Jason! You will now have an adoring flock of girls (and some boys) eagerly waiting for your next audio masterpiece. Please start doing audiobooks. Like right now. Like mine. Kthx.
