What Went Wrong With Wednesday

Fellow author Neil Gaiman, whom I have not met. YET. *Cue creepy music*

A list. Not necessarily in order of importance. But that’s a judgment call.

1. I took a very, very cold shower. Tim Ferriss told me I had to in order to lose weight. I tried this, and screamed out many, many bad words. Most of these bad words called into question Tim Ferriss’s parentage and, in particular, the sexual practices of his mother. I hope he understands, and I invite him to scream about my mother in much the same way. I won’t hold a grudge.

2. The Martin County Library Association, which had invited me to speak at their Bookmania! event (the ! is meant to convey enthusiasm) RESCINDED MY INVITATION. The reason? Too many fiction authors! (This ! is meant for irony. And rage.) They considered sticking me on the Young Adult panel, but are holding out hope that Neil Gaiman – who is, apparently, staying in our tiny seaside town, two miles away from my house, and jogging in PUBLIC! – will agree to appear. I am now hoping that Neil Gaiman will be as one with me by telling them to go @?%$#! themselves (no need for translation), and will meet me for brunch as soon as possible to discuss my career prospects. My treat. The Osceola Cafe does a lovely Eggs Benedict.

3. I have a new puppy. His name is Dashiell Hammett Gaskell, or Dash for short. He is very cute, and springy, and cuddly. And today, he took a giant shit on my shoes. I no longer like him.

4. My ten-year-old son got his report card. It made me gnash my teeth, caused my husband to rethink how we might communicate with our son, and my son to cry for thirty minutes straight. Clearly, we’ve aced this parenting shit. Snaps for us!

5. Speaking of shit … the toilet backed up. At this point, I gave up on the day and chose to sit on the couch with a beach towel over my head, but – as my husband grabbed the towel from me to sop up the overflow – he informed me it was BAD.

So, dear readers, tomorrow is another day. And to prepare for it, I plan to purchase some vodka, mix up some martinis, and break out all of my best Dorothy Parker quotes. My late mother-in-law would be proud.