My Human Answers Your Cats’ Questions!

Why does my face look so funny in the photo above? Because I was trying hard not to laugh when my human saw all the questions you kitties asked her for National Answer Your Cat’s Question Day! She was amazed, and more than a little disturbed about having to answer so many. There were a lot. Let’s see how she does!

Georgia and Julie wanted to know: Do you have the kitties sleeping on the bed with you?

Thank god the first question is an easy one! All three of them, Binga, Boodie and Sparkle sleep on the bed. Sometimes Sparkle sleeps by the floor heater instead. She always has to be different.

The Florida Furkids asked: Why do humans think they have to ration treats? Treats are made to be enjoyed!!

I agree about treats being made to be enjoyed, which is why I occasionally have a slice of carrot cake or half a red velvet cupcake for breakfast. But if I do, I also eat a light lunch. Most humans want their cats to eat more healthy than that. Yes, it’s a double standard. So sue me.

The Island Cats’ query: We wanna know why the humans annoy us with the flashy box so much. Sheesh.

If you cats would pose nicely the first time, we humans wouldn’t have to pester you so much with our cameras. Just sayin’.

The Punapippuri cats had lots of questions! Let take them one at a time.

Pekka: Where are all the mousies?

Pekka, if you want year-round mousies, you will have to convince Äiti to move to California, or another place that is warm year-round. And I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Mirsku: I want to know why my nickname is “fatboy.”

Um… have you looked in the mirror lately? Although I am assuming it is all muscle, kind of like a Sumo wrestler. Yeah.

Aila: I want to know why the mancats are mean.

They are just jealous.

Punapippuri: I want to know why girlcats are meanies.

Probably because you were mean first.

Sampo: Why does Äiti have to move so often when I want her lap?

You are probably like Sparkle and don’t weigh very much. I bet she would not be able to move around as much if it was Mirsku on her lap.

Seppo: Why don’t I have fur?

That is something you need to ask your mother. I mean, your birth mother, not Äiti.

Sampo (again): Where are the girlcats?

Ask your breeder — I bet she will help play matchmaker for you.

Marg’s kitties asked: Do cats really make friends with other cats and keep them?

Apparently they do — in spite of the liberal application of smacky paws here, Sparkle, Binga and Boodie are pals. Although Sparkle tends to pick on Boodie a little too much sometimes. (I am so going to get it for that last comment.) Anyhow, I’m sure that is also the case with other cat families, with or without the smacky paws.

Katie Isabella asked: Why do I gravitate every day to the places my mom says I shouldn’t be? Ergo, atop the modem and atop the external HD she uses for storage and atop the UPS big box on the floor? What’s the deal? They are warm. Now she has figured out baffles to keep me off! Airy basket-like things!

It sounds to me like you already answered your own question. If you want to figure out how to deal with those baffles, you should probably ask Sparkle.

Mario wanted to know: Why do humans think their kitties are fat when they themselves are fat? Along with that, why does the cat have to go on the diet and the humans not?

Mario, there is a weight problem in the U.S. and elsewhere that involves not only humans, but cats and dogs. Sadly for you, humans can control your intake of food. Meanwhile, we humans are faced with unlimited food choices — no one is controlling us. Lucky us.

Kiki had a rather long-winded question: Why did you replace the living room furniture with this stuff? I had it all worked in! How do you expect me to sleep on the top of this couch? It is much too narrow for my liking! And why is my comforter on the floor now? This is my room! Why didn’t you consult me? And why did you change the dining room chairs at the same time. It’s caused me to find a whole new route to the window. And will you PLEASE tell me why you won’t spend all your time with me in MY room as I ask??? What’s so great about that den anyway??? What is a good kitty to do???

I am assuming, Kiki, that you are directing your question to your human and not to me, since I wasn’t the one who replaced your living room furniture with pieces that are not satisfactory to you. So I am sorry, but you will just have to have to go to your own human for those answers.

From Gattina: The only questions my kitties have is, “When do we eat?”

The answer to that is easy — whenever Gattina feeds you, or you catch your own food. Or when Mr. G pulls out the mortadella.

Crepes’ question: I want to know if the house was decorated around Sparkle. It matches so well!

To be honest, Crepes, if I had thought about it when I first looked at this house, I might have picked one with a different color scheme — I think the decor and Sparkle are too monochromatic. I would have preferred a color scheme that complimented her instead.

I am assuming that Grace is asking for BB and Frankie when she wanted to know: Why do humans think that cats want different food everyday? Why don’t they understand that kitties like what they like and unlike humans, variety is not the spice of their lives.

Actually it is better to change up a cat’s food now and again, otherwise they become picky. Binga and Boodie get lots of different selections. Sparkle actually gets the same food more frequently because, well, she is picky.

From Katie: Please ask your human if she would rather I send Waffles to to your house via UPS or Fed Ex. I am more than happy to pay extra for early morning delivery.

Katie, I would be more than happy to have Waffles. I have always dreamed of having a therapy cat that I could take places. Unfortunately, I don’t think Glogirly will allow you to send him to me.

William asked: Do you believe in cats on other planets?

I thought you kitties already were from other planets. You mean there might be more?

Mr. Puddy asked: I want to know who really is the BOSS for your human?

I am my own boss, literally. I own a corporation and I am the president. Sparkle is not listed on one of the officers. (I am really going to get it for this one.)

Emma and Buster had a bunch of questions: Do any kitties sleep with you? If not, which kitty would you want to sleep with you? Which kitty likes the bf more than you? Which kitty misbehaves the most? When did you realize you were a cat person?

I wish Sparkle would sleep with me, but it is more often Binga who sleeps beside me, or between me and my boyfriend. Binga likes my boyfriend and me equally, and she is also the one who misbehaves the most (really, how can you not tell from this blog?). I was a teenager before I realized I was a cat person. Before that, I was more into snakes and lizards.

Oui Oui said, My questions concern scratching: Why can’t I lie on my back & scratch the under side of the bed? Why can’t I scratch boxes in the middle of the night? I’m not tired then!

I don’t know why you can’t do these things. I know the cats here would do them if they were so inclined. Maybe you should ask your own human about this.

The kitties at Manx Mnews asked: Why do you keep removing my fur after I have gone to all the trouble to put it there in the first place?

This is another question you will have to ask your own human. I have sort of given up on the fur thing. Which is unfortunate, since I mainly wear black.

Angel and Isabella said: We want to ask your human what she enjoys doing besides working for you, Sparkle?

I enjoy writing best, and actually do not get to do enough of it! I also love vintage films, especially silent comedies from the 1920s.

Cathy Keisha wanted to know: Which of Sparkle, Boodie and Binga has the best singing voice at 3 AM?

Funny enough, all three cats have nearly the same sleep schedule I do. Binga and Boodie go to bed a little earlier, with my boyfriend, and Sparkle goes to bed at the same time as me. We are all usually asleep at 3 AM, humans and cats, and everyone sleeps through the night.

Karen Jo’s cats had several questions. Here goes…

Bambino: Why did Mom take me to the cat torture place when I already wasn’t feeling good?

Probably the same reason I do with Sparkle, Binga and Boodie — because I can’t find a good vet who does home visits.

Oja: Why does Mom keep bringing stinky boycats home?

Because she can’t find any stinky girl cats?

Spyro: Why can’t I have all the treats I want?

I think The Florida Furkids asked the same question.

Rocio: Why don’t Oja and Horus like me?

Maybe it’s your behavior or your scent… why don’t you ask them?

Horus: Why can’t I sit in Mom’s lap all the time?

Because then she would never be able to get up to feed you.

Julius: Why does the Lady keep trying to get close to me when she knows I’m afraid of her?

Because she thinks if she keeps doing it, you will stop being afraid of her. Time will tell if that works.

Another cat family — this one belonging to Rachel L. — had the following…

Snickers: Why doesn’t my mommy want me to go outside even if it is cold?

You want to go out in the cold? What, are you crazy?

Reese: Why can’t I go on the table?

I don’t know, Reese. Binga and Sparkle do it all the time. Especially when we are eating.

Miss Skittles: Why do the other cats pick fights with me? I want to be left alone!!

It sounds to me like you are an easy mark. Maybe Binga should give you some Kung Fu lessons.

Pippi, the Feline Yogi, asked: Human, since you work for Sparkle (like my human works for me) please make a case for why Sparkle should continue to give you the honor of letting you work for her?

I don’t know, Pippi. She may actually fire me after this blog post.

Even though she is not a cat, Pricilla the goat wanted to know: What about goats? Why do you forget the goats? Can I maaaaa a question? Why do the cats dig around in my pen? What is up with that?

Maybe their litter box is dirty.

Spitty asked: Do Sparkle and Binga and Boodie ever play together? Is Boodie the calm, collected peaceful one? Why does Sparkle talk so mean about Binga?

They all hang out together, but tend to play separately. Boodie is actually quite neurotic — she runs away if you try to touch her, but if you grab her and start petting her, she wants more. Binga is always putting herself in the middle of Sparkle’s photo shoots, whether she is wanted or not. Wouldn’t that make you mad too?

Moosey, Gracie and Zoe asked: Why do the humans ration our food? Why can’t you just leave the faucet running 24/7 (you know we love playing in it)?

Honestly, we ration your food because we can. As for the water thing, water actually costs money and the more money humans spend on water, the less money there is for treats. Which would you rather have?

Nellie’s question was: Hmmm, my question is why does people say No all the time?

Actually, it feels good to say no. I say it loudly and often… to Binga.

Kitties Blue said: We want to know why Lisbeth doesn’t like Astrid anymore? Though not siblings, they were both raised by Lisbeth’s mommy and were inseparable when they moved in with us. But now they don’t like each other at all.

It could possibly be redirected aggression — one day when the humans weren’t around, maybe something happened to startle one or the other of them, and they freaked out on each other. That can be a friendship-destroying incident. Or it could be something like what happened with Boodie and Sparkle — they used to be much closer, but Sparkle got very nasty a couple of times when I brought home from the vet and they haven’t been as close ever since.

Team Tabby wanted to know: Why do our humans not feed us some of those yummy things we see and smell in our coldbox? Just a taste, would be good!

Maybe some of those things aren’t good for kitties. Or your humans could just be selfish and not want to share. I’m not big on sharing myself, unless it’s KFC. Then I am sort of forced to.

Marianne’s cats asked: How can we convince our mom we’re responsible enough to get pet mice? We promise to keep a close eye on them and lick them clean.

Your human probably does not want to pick up the parts left over after you “licked them clean.”

Pasha asked: I was wondering? Where do kittens come from?

They come from mom kitties. No one ever told you?

Baby Tali asked: I wants to know how come if the treats is for us kittehs…why doesn’t we has 24 hour access to them treats?? Huh Miss Sparkle’s Lady Human??

Because then they wouldn’t be treats anymore.
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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!