Your Host, Mr. Natasmai
“Welcome to the pit. We’ve been expecting you.”
“ Oh no, you won’t need your luggage – just set it down right there. That’s right, at your feet. Now, if you’d be so kind as to hold your arms out in front of you, Brett here will put your shackles on.”
“What’s that? Are they hot? No, silly. Nothing gets hot down here. Contrary to what you hairless mammals believe up on the surface, it’s cold down here – cold and dark, and devoid of hope. Tighten the right arm just a bit more, Brett. This one looks feisty.”
“There you go. Does that hurt? Is it uncomfortable? Good.”
“Now, if you would be so kind as to stick out your tongue, we’ll go ahead and keep that nasty wagging thing safe for you. What do you mean no? You see what you did? You got Brett angry. Just hold the poor creature down, Brett. It won’t do for the suffering to begin just yet. That’s right; just pull its head back while I dig out the retched thing. Quit squirming! It won’t do you any good.”
“Ahhh…there you go. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“Okay; now that I have your complete attention and am fairly sure that you’re not going to interrupt me, let me introduce myself. I am Mr. Natasmai. I’m sort of the welcoming committee in these parts. If you still had your tongue right now, you’d probably be asking me why you’re here and telling me that there must be some sort of mistake. I have to say that I’ve heard every excuse imaginable from your quibbling species over the last few millennia. That’s why I started removing tongues through the gate. Your pitiful brethren have never said anything useful so I doubt that any of you ever will. Besides, you don’t need a tongue to scream.”
“Okay, now that you’ve been prepped, let’s find out where you go, huh. What do you say? Brett, please hand me this one’s file. No, Brett, the top drawer. D, as in dumbass. There you go, thank you. “
“Okay dumbass, let’s see what kind of mischief you’ve been into, shall we?”
“Uh-oh, this one’s been very naughty, Brett. Look at this. Can you believe this shit? Wow, Dumbass. You really did all this? Oh, you certainly belong here, my friend.”
“Okay, Brett, you can put the file back now.”
“Dumbass, it is my distinct privilege to sentence you to an eternity of torture, maiming, and oh, a whole bunch of other scary words. Do you have any last requests before I send you to the seventh layer? No? Good.”
“See Brett? I told you that removing their tongues was a great idea. Oh stop trying to answer me; I pulled out yours a long time ago. I don’t want to see your stump…put that thing away and escort our guest to its new digs.”
“Okay, Dumbass, Brett will show you to your eternal quarters. If you need anything, just dial zero.”
