Fixing Van Helsing
(Not the character, Van Helsing, the hot mess movie Van Helsing from 2004.)
So I’m watching movies set in the 1890s this week, and tonight was Van Helsing. And here’s the thing: this could have been one of the great movies of all time with just a few admittedly major changes.
New Director: John Carpenter. Because the key to this movie is embracing the camp and the violence, and Carpenter has demonstrated that he has no fear when it comes to camp and violence.
Recast protagonist: Van Helsing: Kurt Russell. Because Russell can make the most ridiculous hero look good while delivering ridiculous hero dialogue like he was born ready. Also, he’d make that kiss work.
Recast love interest: Anna: Mary Louise Parker. Because Mary Louise Parker does the beauty with brains and edge bit, with all that anger and humor underneath. Also, she’d make that kiss work.
Recast antagonist: Dracula: James Spader. Because James Spader saves any film just by showing up. Also because no matter how bad the dialogue is, he can chill your bones just with his eyes. One problem: He’d never have gargoyles with Lindsay Lohan who’s my first pick for recasting the witches (all of them) so . . .
Recast the brides: Lindsay Lohan as all three Scarlet Johansson as all three Because miscellaneous women with big boobs don’t do it; cast all three with Lindsay Lohan Scarlet Johansson and let her chew the scenery with real menace, developing three different badass personalities.
Don’t mess with the stuff that works: keep David Wenham as Carl, Kevin J O’Connor as Igor, Schuler Hensley as the Monster, and Will Kemp as Velkan Valerious, the vacuous red shirt who was born to die.
Rationale: The thing about storytelling that’s this over-the-top is that you have to embrace it, not try to pretend it’s great drama. Case in point, that gag-inducing ending. There is nothing in this movie that says, “It’ll be okay because all the good people who die go to heaven except for Van Helsing, who should be dead after all of that except that we’re saving him for the sequel that is never going to happen.” The real problem is that this movie doesn’t say anything because it doesn’t know what the hell it is. If you’re going to do a character-driven drama, it has to be about character, not CGI. If you’re going to do an action-adventure, the girl doesn’t die in the end, and she especially doesn’t die at the end and then smile down at the hero from heaven while one silvery tear rolls down her dead cheek and he smiles ruefully back (“Sorry about that, honey”). You want to make Beaches, leave out the werewolves and the gargoyle babies. You want werewolves and gargoyle babies and big-boob-death flying at you, embrace the cheese with all your heart and soul.
And you know, the movie does whenever Carl is around. Carl is what this movie could have been. Okay, the humor is a little heavy-handed, but still, Carl rocks. And as much as I’m underwhelmed by the overuse of CGI here, there were parts that were amazing. Actually, all of the CGI was amazing, there was just too damn much of it and it was all THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY, every battle indistinguishable from another except for the one that got Carl laid (“It’s all right, I’m a friar”). You want to BUILD, people. The CGI that stuck with me the most was the painting that moved and provided the clue. Cut about three of those battles and give me more subtlety like that, with Russell and Parker bantering as they fight flying Johansson and smiling Spader, throw in Carl and the Monster and Igor, and we’ve got ourselves a classic: Big Trouble in Little Transylvania. I would own three copies of that movie.
My notes: In two hours and twelve minutes, my notebook had four lines:
Absinthe
Secret society against supernatural evil
Carl: “I read.” Theoretical knowledge vs. practical knowledge
Masquerade ball
After that, it was all stuff on how I’d recast, and a note on how Carl was awesome at info dump.
Have you seen this movie? How would you fix it? Unless you liked it, in which case, uh, I’m sure you’re a really nice person who doesn’t judge.
