Growing Up
I’m still upset about a particular thing that happened yesterday, but it was my daughter who said, “If he is doing something wrong, he can sort it out”, a reminder that sometimes we need to grow up and let go; which can be hard when we invest a lot of thought or time in something. We want to be appreciated for all that we contribute, and it can be sharp when instead we are repeatedly told what we are doing wrong.
Yes, indeed. Is this not how I have fallen into the habit of speaking to my husband? Do I not repeatedly offer him advice instead of listening? Chide him instead of waiting peacefully for what he has to say? Before I had a long-term hire car, and he was always driving, did I not tell him what he was doing wrong, where he should watch out, be careful? If he does the shopping, do I not always look through the shopping bags, regretful for that two-kilo lump of cheese and wondering why he always forgets to buy salad? Do I not tell him he showers for too long (well, twenty-five minutes is a bit long, sometimes) and uses too much soap? When we go out to Church on Sundays, has it not been my habit to feeI I know better? Yes, yes and yes. Mea Culpa.
Just because Eddie has chosen to spend his life with me, does not mean I have the right to lecture him. I do not have the right to tell him what he is doing wrong, what he should think, how he should behave, who he should associate with or write Christmas cards to. I do not have the right to tell him what to do with his afternoons off, or to insist that we should “all do something together”. Actually, the more I think about this, the more I realise that, as Seline said the other night, “You just want to make other people miserable because you are miserable.” At the time, I agreed with her, “Yes, darling, of course, you are right” because I find that agreeing is a marvellous way to diffuse an argument. I have also come to respect her observations, and to notice that they often contain a grain of truth. And, now that I am no longer routinely miserable, I notice more clearly how often I have imposed misery on other people. Noticing that is motive enough to want to stop, right away. What my husband does is up to him. I hope that my more laissez faire attitude will mean that he will choose to spend more time with me, enjoyably. In the meantime, I challenge myself to mind my own business, literally, making my own time rewarding and as happy as I can. A good resolution for the New Year, methinks.
