The Vulnerability of Being Loved

I wrote this post yesterday. And although I do feel better today (apart from the fact that my husband has a last minute trip to the antarctic (Minnesota) on top of his scheduled trip to Hollywood and I so don’t want him to leave), I thought it was worth it to share how I’ve been feeling because a lot of this is still valid.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness, and it’s for the oddest of reasons. It’s the lump-in-the-throat, tears stinging at the back of my eyeballs, heavy-hearted kind of sadness. And it’s very real. It feels real, even though it’s over the most ridiculous thing.

I feel sad because people are being so nice to me. And I won’t ever be able to pay them back.

Let me just let that statement stick out there awkwardly for a moment.

Some of my good friends suggested I make a formal schedule for the people who are willing to do a blog review on my book. So I have that pretty well worked out. There will be reviews on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the next couple of weeks or so. Cool, huh?

And then it was suggested that I link back to them, to their blogs – their words. I think that is such a good idea, so I will be doing that as well. It’s the least I can do for these precious words they gift me with.

But in a weird way, even that is self-serving because it’s kind of like saying, “Hey. Go over there and read about how great my book is.” It sort of always comes back to me, which makes me uncomfortable.

The response to my book has been overwhelming. Maybe not overwhelming in terms of breaking the charts or anything, but overwhelming in terms of the reactions and support I received. Greta started by posting a picture of her (and her cutie) with my book on Facebook. It was this picture -

and that sort of launched the trend. All of a sudden tons of people were sharing pictures  of my book next to their beautiful faces on Facebook and Instagram. And people have been sharing it like mad. I mean, yes – I did ask for it. I did ask for reviews and all that. But I didn’t expect all of the shares on twitter, G+, Facebook. I didn’t expect the feedback, the comments on blog posts, the private messages and e-mails. I didn’t expect to feel so completely

. . . vulnerable . . . because I will never be able to repay everybody for all the kindness.

Please tell me some of you can relate to what I’m talking about, and that I don’t sound quite as pompous as I think I sound.

You know, pain seems easier to bear than this. With pain I can tough it out. I can set my face like flint. I can barrel my way through until I push to the other side. But this vulnerable place – this unbearable vulnerability of being loved and not being able to earn it back by being useful to someone else – is almost more than I can handle. It’s certainly way more than I bargained for.

I know there’s a spiritual lesson in here somewhere, but since it’s not my Monday post on faith, I’ll not pursue it.

I have two reviews to share with you today. Two precious reviews. One was planned and promised, and the other was spontaneous and unexpected. And how she managed to do a glowing review before she even started the book I don’t know, but she did manage it. And yes I’m laughing too.

Katie (of the planned and promised review) blogs at Sluiter Nation and I’ve had the privilege of getting to know her over the past months and then to meet her at BlogHer in Chicago. Katie’s words are all over the place. She will be part of the book “Return to Zero” about pregnancy and infant loss – a book for which my own written submission was rejected. I’m so pleased that she’s been chosen – and not surprised in the least, given her beautiful writing. This will be coming out in the Spring so you can keep an eye out for it.

Her words have also appeared in Baby Talk magazine and the Today Show website. And besides being an amazing, inspiring teacher – the kind that makes me believe that teachers can change the world, the kind that I would want my own children to have – she’s also a passionate advocate for Common Core, and you can read about that here.

And this amazing writer, teacher and friend has written about my book here.

Thank you Katie.

The other review, which is not a review, but actually is almost a review is by Leanne from (From) Chaos Comes Happiness. Leanne is an artist, and the figure she draws to go along with her inspirational sayings reminds me of the comic strip “Cathy” – do you remember that one? Which then reminds me of my mom because she liked (likes? is it still printed?) that comic strip.

Leanne and I have connected for years in the online world and we’ve had a few e-mail exchanges over the deep stuff. And I watched as her dream came true and she was able to visit Italy with the love of her life. Leanne has a beautiful soul, as I’m sure you will see.

And if you’re reading this in time, she has an incredible art supply (or arts and craft supply) giveaway going on until Sunday. There might still be time to win it! The not-quite-a-review-but-is-still-a-review is here. And she even had the sweetness to do a follow-up post with the link to my book on Amazon, which included her assessment of the first four chapters. One day she might even be able to review the book in its entirety! (I’m laughing and joking, but I’m also crying from the love and support).

Thank you Leanne.

So this is where I’m at. I’ve been trying to respond to everyone’s comments, mails, tweets and shares, and I can’t. I’ve been trying to scramble to support everyone else’s writing – who deserves the attention – and read and appreciate and share in the same manner, but it’s not enough. I’ll never be able to do enough. I’ll never be able to earn this love that’s being showered on me. I’ll never be able to pay everyone back to the same measure that I’ve been given.

I just have to remain in this place where ”thank you” doesn’t seem to be enough - sit here uncomfortable, raw, vulnerable . . . and be loved.

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