Should I Get Chickens?

This is a question I get asked frequently by people in real life, but my real life self doesn’t have a FAQ page. But my blog does! (Looks up. Wait, no it doesn’t.) So!

The short answer: no.

The long answer: eh.

I guess the long answer and the short answer were the same length.

Well, the long answer is really that chickens are not that much work, especially if you already have a coop or buy one from someone. The eggs are much better, both for the chickens and for the environment. You will always have eggs. (I just typed, “You will always have legs.” That too.) If you have a big family or eat a lot (I mean A LOT) of eggs, and have room in your backyard for it, sure. Go for it.

I clean the coop once a week in the winter, and one-two times a week in the summer. I refill their food and water a few times a week. We clip their wings (chickens can fly, FYI) about…well, we’ve clipped them once.

So, the question you’re now asking is, “This doesn’t sound so bad, Shalini? Why not?”

WELL. 1. Chickens are assholes. One of them pecked Sachin in the eyeball. EYE. BALL. When he was four, and playing in the backyard leaving her alone. If you try to introduce a new hen, sometimes for funsies they kill her because they don’t like her. We call those chickens “George Zimmermans.”

The number of times we’ve had to sequester chickens for pulling out other chickens feathers…this is really it. CHICKENS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES. They are such assholes that I have actually said multiple times, “I understand debeaking.” You’d debeak George Zimmerman, too, admit it.

1b. Chickens, therefore, make chicken owners assholes. Ignorance is bliss.

2. Chickens are dumb. No, really. The number of times they fight over the same piece of bread when thirteen other pieces are scattered in their yard just proves this. (Humans are dumb in this way, too.)

3. You will get sick of eggs.

For a while, anyway. And then you’ll have lots of eggs you have to eat anyway. You’ll get over it and eat them.

I love eggs, and if it wasn’t for my own chickens, I probably would give up on eating eggs entirely because of the environmental impact and horrific conditions blah etc blah, so I continue to put up with the ridiculous assholes. BUT THEY’RE SUCH ASSHOLES.

All that said, yeah, we’re probably going to have chickens forever. Because we’re dumb assholes and we deserve each other.