Think Out Loud [39] Name Calling, Terms of Endearment, & Other Bad Behavior
This week a twenty-something woman called me sweetie on the phone. There are times when terms of endearment are sweet, and times when they are laser beams into a person's skull. Guess which one I experienced. It got me thinking back on times when a few words, and one time one simple word, sent me spiraling into a total fit. Years ago on an exercise walk in my old neighborhood I crossed paths with a woman walking her dog. She took issue with me being on the same sidewalk and moved across the street. A minute later, a pit bull with no owner and no collar rounded the corner. I casually stepped into the street as if I didn't care the dog was only a block and a half ahead. Halfway to the other sidewalk, the woman with the dog yelled, "Lady, do not come over here!" Oh, did that piss me off. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it amounted to "Sure, I'll be a chew toy so you and your dog can get to safety." A second after my rant I looked back at her sour face and yelled, "And don't call me lady!"
Again, years ago when I was very pregnant with my oldest, a massive truck backed out of a driveway right in front of my car. I had to screech to a stop, so of course, I honked, but this time it wasn't to get pissy, it was to tell the driver his reverse lights were out. "Hey, your reverse-""Shut the F up, you F-ing C-word." "But your lights-"He flipped me off.I blame the hormones and the fact that the C-word is the worst thing to call a person, but I had to pull over because the asshole hurt my feelings. I looked at his crappy tan house, "Your house sucks and you're mean and you're going to a special hell for calling a pregnant woman the C-word." He was long gone, but I felt a little better.
My sister was teasing me (not unusual) and called me a lazy slut. "I am not lazy! You're a lazy slut.""Sloth, Robyn.""Oh. Still.""You're okay with being called a slut." I shrugged. So slut was totally okay with me, but lazy got me riled.
How about you all? Do you have seemingly harmless trigger words? Have you been insulted and had no response until the person was long gone?
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Quinn wrote: "too funny about your sister calling you a lazy slut. (wouldn't being a slut actually be a non-lazy activity?)when I worked in the dorms at Minnesota State, it was fascinating (at least from a soc..."
I think I may have pointed out the "non-lazy activity" aspect of her insult. She was just so amused that I was hung up on being called lazy. I didn't grow up calling adults sir and ma'am. I do not like to be called ma'am...ever. I'd prefer Hey you over that.
How are you, Quinn? Are you still in contact with the girl you gave your kidney to? How is she?
hey you! I am good...how are you? I do not communicate with Kendahl, the girl who received my kidney, on a regular basis but do stay in occasional touch. She plays basketball at her high school and is doing well. Hard to believe it has been a year and half already since that kidney donation! I have begun writing about it some, mostly notes and areas and things I want to explore in more detail, the why's of my decision to donate. I wanted to let a year pass before I started seriously writing about it to let some of the emotional side simmer down, to allow ample time for ideas, thoughts and to reflect if that makes sense. Hopefully will be my grad thesis. your boys liking it better not living in the apartment?
Quinn wrote: "hey you! I am good...how are you? I do not communicate with Kendahl, the girl who received my kidney, on a regular basis but do stay in occasional touch. She plays basketball at her high school and..."The boys miss some aspects, but they're happy. I miss the stairs (weirdly enough) and the summer fireworks. I don't miss the fried chicken smell or the parking lot. What's your grad thesis topic? What degree is it for?
ha I kinda miss the stairs too but do not miss the parking issues or the fred meyers noise and traffic noise (an issue on my side of the apt), and that chicken smell you mentioned! My thesis is for MA in sociology--the course work has been done for awhile now. I also have grad certificate in non-profit leadership management. For my thesis I am playing with an auto-ethnography of why I donated a kidney. I have always enjoyed personal life narratives but always done them using other people's lives and experiences and not myself. I will try to unpack and expand on the this:
I have described my reasons becoming a living donor for a stranger as trying to describe yellowness or any color to someone born blind; it is something beyond words, something beyond accepted modern reason and rationale, something that must just be experienced or lived--much like experiencing a piece of art. Although that is true there is even more to it and it took a year after the surgery to articulate it, this is how I would answer the question today. Sadly, I think we live in a culture and time in society where our lives are without meaning or real purpose, we are expendable. If a married couple divorces they will generally remarry replacing one another. No matter our job and how important it is our employers can replace us so the positions we fill may be important (think firefighters, pediatric oncology nurses, etc) but we as individuals tend to be replaceable and expendable. It also seems we are generally very ordinary, blend in, and even at times terribly complacent so for me it becomes about how do I make my life truly matter in extraordinary in non-expendable ways. How do I make my individual self created meaning in a meaningless culture and world, and in a historical time that seems to promote human shallowness? Through compassion, by giving a kidney was one way I can do this. However do the reasons make me selfish? can altruism really exist? so many things to explore!
behind the thesis scene is also an internal argument for bridging the academic gap in qualitative sociology and continental philosophy (real nerdy crap there huh!!)
did any of that make sense? Wanna be my proof-reader and feedback person after I get it more put together?
Quinn wrote: "ha I kinda miss the stairs too but do not miss the parking issues or the fred meyers noise and traffic noise (an issue on my side of the apt), and that chicken smell you mentioned! My thesis is f..."
Oddly enough, I have debated the nature of altruism countless times. If you are seeking to make a difference that counts and surpasses your own existence, you go into the deed looking for something from it. Though the deed is extraordinary, ego is still part of the exchange. I'm not so sure about my proof-reading skills, but we can try it out. The subject is close to my heart that's for sure.
I did not really mean proofreading, more of a reader and provide feedback, is it clear, flow well, what else should I discuss or not discuss, and general thoughts. So many directions I can go and that is hampering me right now--the wheels keep spinning with possibilities. I have to make sure I keep it within the realm of sociology and not get too psychological or philosophical with it. But still lots of creative ideas. I agree with your above take on altruism and that is why I claim that pure altruism cannot existAre you involved in any new writing projects?
Quinn wrote: "I did not really mean proofreading, more of a reader and provide feedback, is it clear, flow well, what else should I discuss or not discuss, and general thoughts. So many directions I can go and t..."I'm up for that too, so more of a content review sort of thing. I'm just wrapping up the finishing touches to my next novel, Shadow Town. I'll probably upload it tonight or tomorrow to Amazon and Smashwords. I'm so very disorganized. No new writing yet. I'm aiming for summer because I have a story swimming around in my head.
What are you reading right now? Do not say Plath...hehe.
ha no Plath recently but maybe a little Anne Sexton! Seriously, I am about to start "The Heart of Being, moral and Ethical Teachings of Zen Buddhism". I read alot of Buddhist stuff. Also have the novel "The Schopenhauer Cure" which I want to read soon. I have so many things swimming in my head I often wonder if I should get a pill or three to slow the tides down :)
What have your been reading or are reading or planning to read soon? most of my readings are still academic/thesis related but I tend to enjoy that stuff.
Quinn wrote: "ha no Plath recently but maybe a little Anne Sexton! Seriously, I am about to start "The Heart of Being, moral and Ethical Teachings of Zen Buddhism". I read alot of Buddhist stuff. Also have the n..."I've been in a limbo reading state. I had to read my book two times this month to get it ready and I'm sure I still missed stuff. Gah! I think I'm reading straight up fluff because I just started The Walking Dead TV show from the library. After disc 1, I needed the opposite of zombies. Have you seen that series? So good!
my roommate in Minnesota said he wanted to find a "dumb book" to read. something that had no substance to it and required no real thinking. As a grad students we were both burnt out reading academic stuff. I went into reading limbo, buying books but not reading them then. I am familiar with the walking dead but have not seen it. I suppose I should get netflix or something and watch some of these shows--although I am not a huge zombie fan. what are you doing for the opposite of zombies? do you still paint? when was the last time you did so? (if I remember correctly that was your major--art)
Quinn wrote: "my roommate in Minnesota said he wanted to find a "dumb book" to read. something that had no substance to it and required no real thinking. As a grad students we were both burnt out reading academi..."I'm not a huge zombie fan either, but I gravitate toward zombie movies for some reason and I'm totally wussy so it doesn't make any sense. I can't do Netflix because I get addicted to marathons. But the Tacoma Public Library has a lot of TV series on DVD. I have the book Fangirl...contemporary romance. Seems very much the opposite of zombies.
I haven't painted in years. One day I'll return to it. Did you watch the superbowl?
I did watch the superbowl. I did not know that Tacoma library had tv series' on dvd--you "learnt" me something :) I did a House marathon this past fall as I had never watched the show before and watched all 8 seasons in pretty short time. If you could do a marathon for day or two what would it be? hope you get back into painting one day
Quinn wrote: "I did watch the superbowl. I did not know that Tacoma library had tv series' on dvd--you "learnt" me something :) I did a House marathon this past fall as I had never watched the show before and wa..."Oh, TV marathon time! I missed out watching Grim on NBC and Once Upon a Time on ABC. I would choose those shows, but I have plenty of shows I could spend the day watching again! Monk, Psych, Battlestar Galatica, Firefly...
I watched the first couple seasons of House, but then we got word of John's bad kidneys (it was both of them in the beginning), and they always kill off the babies on that show! So I had to quit it.
Oh, you have to check out the library's selection. They have everything from MASH to 24. They are so awesome! And you can reserve everything online! Notice all my exclamations points!
when I worked in the dorms at Minnesota State, it was fascinating (at least from a sociological perspective) how many of the females embraced the term slut or bitch. One would never call a woman the c-word of course. Interesting how some words can be negative, hateful, negative judgmental in some context and then a term of celebration, endearment or camaraderie, and/or finally just playful ripping others.
I am funny that I do not like being called sir yet I call males I do not know sir regardless of their age