and i am nothing of a builder
When you really want to write something — anything at all — but your goddamn depression is sitting on your chest, making it really really hard to even reach the keyboard, so you end up with a folder of abandoned drafts.
And you feel like shit because you aren’t making anything, or creating anything, or actually doing anything. And you desperately want to make something, but whenever you start, depression wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear, “Why bother? You know how much you suck.”
And you know that depression lies, but you listen to it anyway, and you don’t even know why, but you do. It’s like you can’t tune it out and ignore it, even though it’s getting in between you and the thing you love to do more than anything else.
And that folder of abandoned drafts starts to feel like a monument to your own failure, and even though you could just delete it, you don’t because you know there’s something decent in there, and you just have to find it somehow.
Because you know that you have a good life, and you know that you do some cool things, and you know that you can make things, that you have made things, you decide to stand up, even with the weight of depression doing everything it can to hold you down.
And you struggle. And you push. And you struggle some more.
And finally you stand up. And you take a deep breath, and then you fall down again.
And then you try to stand up again, and you start to wonder if you’re just feeling sorry for yourself, but then depression reminds you that you’re not feeling sorry for yourself, you’re just acknowledging that you’re the least talented of all your friends and everyone knows it but you.
And then you remember that depression lies, so you keep trying to stand up and push it off, and believe in yourself.
And it’s really fucking hard.
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Well said. Know you're not alone. Y'know... when we get this low sometimes the genuine crappiness in life that's getting us down is enhanced by something physical. Did you know something as simple as being a little dehydrated can significantly effect your mood? So do B vita and vita D deficiency, processed faux-food, artificial sweeteners (esp aspartame) and a sludgy liver overtaxed by the toxins around us. Try taking a multi vita with a big glass of clean water, get out and feel the sun on your skin, taste the goodness of a crisp sweet organic fruits and veggies, have a BBQ with juicy free range chicken and delicious lean grass fed beef, toss chemical cleaners and hygene products for natural alternatives, love and laugh with your wife and family and friends and fans - it gets the good oxytocin, seritonin and endorphine brain juices flowing. It sucks big hairy donkey whang when your passion, that part of you bursting to be expressed, searching for a way out into the world is stifled by another part of you thats talking smack, running tapes in your head of every failure or possible failure it can get you to pay attention to. You can kick that guy's ass, Wil. Seriously. Kick his freakin' ass and tell him to shut the fk up. Then get your bottle of water and your wife and take a victory lap around the block or a park or beach and enjoy the warmth of the sun. Have a healthy meal, watch a stupid movie that makes you laugh, make love to your wife, get some shut eye, then get up and give your creative genius full permission to pour out!
