Self-esteem and your plain old self

Why is it you can accomplish so much, have so many people tell you what a great thing you’ve done; how proud and impressed they all are and the next day feel like shit again?  I peaked last week graduating from Oxford; feeling slightly hysterical and inflated (a feeling I cannot recall having in my life ever) because I felt I finally cracked into the world of people who used to terrify me with their encyclopaedic brains.  What happens is when you’re wearing that black bat cape and square hat with the tassel is that suddenly people assume you know something and converse with you like you can actually bring something intelligent to the table. 

 In the past I used to drip in sweat when seated near an ‘expert’ on anything from politics to worm farming, terrified they would find out that I knew absolutely nothing; my mind an empty, cloudless sky. In those situations I always wanted to call a friend like they do on game shows to get some info on the subject to show I’m not such an idiot rather than have to hold some inane smile on my face expressing fascination. Does anyone have that thing called self-esteem for more than a few hours? And what does it mean anyway? How can your self have esteem about it self?   It’s just another thing (sensation) you stick on you but nothing to do with the ‘self’. What happens the next day after they put the gold over your neck at the Olympics or you score a goal in football and a hundred people hug you? How long can the esteem for themselves stick around before it loses it’s erection? 

 For reason’s of health I think we should all put our efforts on just feeling our ‘self’ without the accoutrements of pride or esteem or even disappointment.How this is done is not easy because there so much out there to tempt us to look great, make money, get power, be famous, to get more than the other guy, to win, win ,win whatever there is to win. Here’s the real bitch: No one likes you any more when you get those things and, underneath, when you’re alone you’re just your plain old ‘self’ anyway. I hope this doesn't sound too weird but I know what I mean and that’s all that counts.