How to Live in a Thriller Novel (Without Getting Arrested)

Have you always wondered what it's like to be Jack Reacher or Harry Bosch, Clarice Starling or Lisbeth Salander -- or maybe you're partial to Hannibal Lecter or Gretchen Lowell? Whatever else they might be, characters in thriller novels get to have all the fun.

Now you can experience the heart-pounding excitement of life as a thriller character without murdering civilians, blowing up buildings, stealing priceless artifacts, or otherwise inviting drastic real-world consequences. Here's how to do it:

Make an arch-enemy

Every great thriller character needs a nemesis. Jason Bourne had Carlos the Jackal, Robert Langdon had Tom Hanks' ridiculous wig, and you could have... Andy from accounting, or that woman who always puts too many sugars in your coffee at McDonalds.

Select your arch-enemy carefully from a common setting. You might choose a co-worker, that friend of your spouse you've always hated, a sanctimonious second cousin, or the employee at your favorite fast-food place you just know wants to spit in your fries. Once you've chosen your nemesis, start cultivating the relationship.

Now, you don't want to come out and announce that you're battling your arch-enemy. Subtlety is the key here. Leave anonymous and unwanted gifts on her desk, like a half-eaten roll of Life Savers, or start requesting fries with no salt to go, and then ask for salt packets at the last minute. Eventually, your nemesis will realize that you're onto him or her -- and bam! Just like in a thriller novel, you’ve got escalated stakes.

You'll need to prepare more heavily for Act II. Consider investing in a Cracker Jack box with a decoder ring, or hiring a beautiful personal assistant who can fall in love with you, only to have you regretfully decline for the sake of the professional relationship (though you may have sex first).

Take up an "extreme" hobby

Nothing says thriller like the word extreme. It invokes images of Sandra Bullock piloting a deadly firebomb disguised as a bus while Keanu Reeves masticates some dialogue, or Vin Diesel flashing a pearly white grin over the top of a freshly-opened can of Mountain Dew.

Therefore, anyone who has an extreme hobby is obviously a character in a thriller novel.

Now, you don't have to take up collecting mummified beetles dressed in ninja headbands with tiny throwing stars stuck to their feelers (though you can if you want to). If you have an existing hobby, simply re-brand it to the extreme category.

Are you a scrapbooker? No, you're not -- your title is Extreme Artistic Paper Slasher. Learning a new language? You're an Extreme Linguistic Engineer. Doll collection? Try Extreme Corpse Model Curator. Enjoy writing in your spare time? Extreme Tale Forger -- that's you.

Start a secret society

If you find yourself drawn to the villain's plight in your favorite thriller novels, this one's for you. Secret societies are a great way for a thriller villain to build up that egomaniacal world-controlling reputation one really needs to get ahead in the underground.

Keep in mind that our goal here is NOT to land ourselves a low-rent steel cage with a roommate named Bubba Spike for the next five to twenty. Your secret society should have evil intentions, of course -- but not too evil.

For example, you might want to form:

* Society for the Advancement of Public Yodeling
* The League of Extraordinarily Terrifying Yarn Bombers
* The Anglers' Fabrication Guild
* Insincere Compliments Central Registry and Support Group
* The Anti-Free-Refills-On-Movie-Popcorn Gang

So go forth and make a few simple changes by following these handy, step-by-step instructions, and suddenly your life will be page-turning and unputdownable.*

About the author

S.W. Vaughn is the secret identity of a thriller novelist whose arch-enemy is Captain Douchenozzle (also known as "that guy who drove behind me with his high beams on for 30 miles"). She is the author of the bestselling** House Phoenix thriller series, and the founder of the Society for the Oppression of People Who Don’t Wet Their Toothbrushes First.

You can experience Broken Angel, the first novel in the House Phoenix series, for about the price of those fries your nemesis would've spit in anyway.

*Not a real word.

**Once on Amazon UK for about 5 minutes in the Suspense subcategory (actual paid sales).